


A Life in Entropy

by Metal_mako_dragon



Series: Ouroborous [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AO3 1 Million, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2017-12-31 10:57:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 36,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1030872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metal_mako_dragon/pseuds/Metal_mako_dragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because there was no peace without war. Because there was no hate without love. Because there was no rest for the wicked. Because he wanted to hold on to his integrity even as he wished his life were simpler. Because he hated that Shepard was always right. Because time marched on with no thought for them. Because he wished they could have traded places. Because he wanted to hate the man for saving him but couldn't. Because he missed him.</p><p>These were but a few of the reasons Kaidan Alenko felt his existence slipping into decay. The entropy of those left behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And then there were Two

There weren’t many occasions that Kaidan could say he’d been chauffeured anywhere. He was used to associating shuttles with dropping him into danger, or pulling him out at the last minute. This, on the other hand, was a complete contrast. A shuttle as a luxury, taking him to a military award ceremony, dressed up like he’d only ever seen his superiors dressed, sitting in the back of the Council’s own private shuttlecraft, which had been sent to pick them up personally from the _Normandy_ , still in dock, was something he thought he could get used to.

“Don’t get excited,” Shepard said as he scrolled down the datapad he held in his left hand, his right arm now out of its sling and healed but still a little tender, “it’s not as great as it sounds.”

“So you say,” Kaidan countered with a grin, tapping his feet as he sat, watching the man across from him even as Shepard kept his eyes on his work, “just because you don’t like the attention.”

“I can handle the attention,” Shepard said wryly, “it’s the pandering and falsity I can’t stand. It would have been helpful if they had given us this kind of support and admiration a month ago. You know, when it was useful.”

“Oh come on Shepard, can’t you just clock off for a minute?” Kaidan reduced his grin to a smile, adjusting his body to compensate as the shuttle rocked slightly, “Does everything have to be so practical?”

He really should have known what he had walked into when he said it. Shepard seemed to delight in taking any moment to make Kaidan ill at ease, so much so that he was beginning to think it his Commander’s favourite hobby. It was with lascivious slowness that Shepard looked away from his datapad and ran his eyes over Kaidan’s body until the observed man began to feel involuntarily hot under the collar. Kaidan cleared his throat and looked away, fiddling with the cufflinks on his dress shirt. He saw Shepard smirk out of the corner of his eye.

“Not everything, Lieutenant,” he said softly, returning his eyes to his work, “you look good in your dress blues.”

“Yes, well,” Kaidan said as he composed himself, “I wouldn’t say that’s entirely appropriate for the situation, would you?”

“Oh I don’t know,” Shepard shrugged, “I’ve never had sex in the back of an executive shuttlecraft before.”

“Shepard!” Kaidan couldn’t help but exclaim.

“Just a statement of fact, Lieutenant,” Shepard said casually.

* * *

In truth he’d hoped he could have held onto the illusion that this would be an enjoyable occasion for just a little longer. He had lost sight of Shepard after about forty minutes or so and hadn’t seen him since. After that things started to come back into focus somewhat, seemed to lose their lustre. After an hour and a half of hobnobbing with the higher up’s, the rich and the influential citizens of the Citadel who had come to offer their support, Kaidan would admit that it completely lost its charm.

The demure lighting, the wonderful catering, the fancy drinks, the (sometimes) intelligent conversation, the constant attention that Shepard so loathed...shouldn’t it have felt better? Shouldn’t he have enjoyed it more? The champagne he was drinking had taken a week to travel to the Citadel, all the way from Earth just so they could call it authentic. The food was perhaps the most extravagant thing he had eaten in years, with fresh ingredients, wonderful cuts of meat cured in spices and herbs, unlike the ‘food’ on the Normandy which consisted generally of slop. Everyone kept telling him how grateful they were, how much they were in debt to him. He’d never had this kind of recognition from anyone, superiors notwithstanding, and it was...it was nice. It was justification, to the more naive part of his personality.

It was vindicating.

It just wasn’t enough. After the medals were doled out and the party continued, Kaidan found himself walking away from the crowds to stand before the memorial wall which had been erected by the doorway, a model of the one which was being planned for the Presidium. He held his champagne but he did not drink it.

It wasn’t as sudden a shift as he’d thought it would be, from enjoying himself blindly to realising that his surroundings were nothing more than a show. He stared at the names and realised that he recognised too many of them. The chatter fell to background noise and the cold stem of the expensive glass in his hand became cheap. It wasn’t right but then he’d known, somewhere inside, that it hadn’t been from the start. In fact it never had been. He could only fool himself for so long before reality crept up to remind him what was important.

He’d become stuck on a memory, a recent memory which now seemed absurdly long ago. He remembered how long he had worked, how hard he and the Normandy engineers had struggled to overhaul their weapons before the final push, forced to cannibalise parts from the ship herself just in order to survive. It had been painstaking and it had been exhausting. All of the measly budget they had blown on new models which they never even got a chance to see as the Citadel had turned its back on them and it had been nothing compared to this. Instead of offering help they had been declared traitors, yet in the next moment they were heroes. It wasn’t the hypocritical taciturnity that bothered him as much as the bare-faced showmanship that this ceremony represented by comparison.

Nearly a thousand humans and aliens were dead, military and civilian casualties; a number so much higher than it should have been. So many avoidable, senseless deaths. What did each of them mean, staring outwards from the plaque on which they now rested? Could he equate a person’s life to a piece of physical material? He looked to the glass in his hand. How much would this have bought us? He wondered as he watched the bubbles rise and burst ecstatically against the air. All these lives reduced to names on a memorial and for what? So that they could look back on a supposed victory and celebrate not being dead? So they could continue to ignore the threat that had been implied by Sovereign and bury their heads in the sand?

He placed his glass on the tray of a passing waiter. Leaving was absurdly easy. He’d been expecting people to notice his absence but it seemed that they weren’t truly as interested as they had pretended they were. He had taken a moment to look for Shepard but couldn’t find his Commander anywhere. He wasn’t about to start asking around in case it got Shepard into trouble, or himself for that matter. It was colder outside, despite the automatic climate controls. It made him feel marginally better, yet he was still edgy and felt somewhat lost. Everything was disjointed in his mind, nothing seemed to fit seamlessly together. He just wanted things to be simple, just for a little while. That was all he needed. I may as well wish for universal peace while I’m at it, Kaidan thought facetiously as he walked along the Presidium and watched the water sparkle in the fake moonlight. The damage to the structures, the shop fronts and the sculptures, the charred walkways and the broken rubble beneath the water, it all seemed bleaker under the guise of the dimmed night, the projected moonlight coating everything an odd, homogenous white. It looked dead, like the inside of some massive skeleton, some long dead animal. Something that was destined to go extinct.

Returning to the Normandy seemed like a good idea, yet he didn’t. There had been rooms made up for them nearby, in a hotel that had, until recently, been functioning as a refuge for those who had lost their homes. Thankfully the relief effort had found better ways to accommodate the homeless and temporary homes had already been constructed in what seemed like a ludicrously short period of time. In a way Kaidan thought it was still too lavish for he and Shepard to be given the luxury of a room considering there were still those who could use it more than them. Yet...he was tired. He felt hollowed out. He had tried to let the glitz and the glamour give him a night where he could forget the terrible things that had happened to them all. Ironically it had only brought them to the fore, reminding him that forgetting was perhaps the worst sin he could commit. He shook his head as he rode up in the elevator, as he waved his room key through the holo-lock. Tomorrow everything goes back to normal, right?

“Where the hell have you been?”

Kaidan looked up but couldn’t find the energy to be startled. Shepard was sitting on a long couch by a lit fireplace, sunk back into the plush material, his legs crossed at the ankles and what appeared to be a book in his hands. It was rare enough to see paper nowadays, and he was so used to seeing Shepard holding a data-pad that the actual paper copy took him a little by surprise. He heard the door shut behind him and felt that he _should_ walk into the room more than wanting to by volition.

“Just walking around,” he replied, undoing the buttons on his dress coat and shrugging out of it; it was pleasantly warm in the room and the stiff uniform was too constricting, “what’re you doing in here?”

“Well I was waiting for you,” Shepard said, following Kaidan’s movements for a moment before he turned back to his book and continued reading.

“How did you even get in?” Kaidan asked, only half curious.

“Oh come on, Lieutenant,” Shepard smiled slyly, not taking his eyes from the pages before him, “you insult me.”

“Huh,” Kaidan said, shaking his head once more, “maybe I don’t want to know.”

He contemplated simply going to bed. He was tired after all and today had grown old. He wanted it to be over. He wanted everything to go back to how it was, where he could ignore the places in life he wasn’t made to be in and focus on the ones that he was. He wasn’t a politician, he was a soldier. He despised the duplicity and the self-serving tactics that seemed to come with a Council seat. He liked to know where he stood and he wanted to be sure of himself and his actions. I need _sleep,_ Kaidan thought with a deep breath, shaking his head as he realised he was once again thinking too much. Instead he found himself sinking down into the softness of the couch next to his Commander and staring at the fire as it licked up out of the vents in the fireplace. He’d hoped that the closeness to another human being would help. Unfortunately Shepard appeared, to all intents and purposes, to be quite content. What was supposed to come out as an uncomplicated query as to what Shepard was reading turned into something subtly more loaded.

“Why did you bring a book?” he asked, “We’re only here for a night.”

“...I planned on leaving the party early,” Shepard shrugged softly, turning a page with his right hand, “and thought I might have some time to kill.”

“Oh,” Kaidan said, knowing he hadn’t had the answer he was looking for.

“I told you it would lose its glamour,” Shepard said, managing to refrain from sounding condescending.

“Yeah,” Kaidan agreed tonelessly, “after talking to the hundredth person I’d never met but wanted to congratulate me on saving their investments, it certainly lost its charm. Did you speak to Anderson?”

“Yes, for about five minutes before he was appropriated by the Turian ambassador,” Shepard said, “seems they want to take my recommendation seriously.”

“The Captain as a Council member, huh?” Kaidan let out a long slow breath, “I bet he just loves that idea.”

“He can love it or hate it all he wants,” Shepard said with an ‘almost’ smile, “he’s the best man for the job as far as I’m concerned. There isn’t another comrade in the military I would endorse so highly, except maybe Admiral Hackett but he’s pretty much indispensible right now. He’s wise, honourable, level headed and loyal. And anyway, I don’t trust Udina further than I could kick him off a cliff.”

“Don’t you mean further than you could throw him?” Kaidan asked, giving Shepard a sideways glance.

“I know what I meant,” Shepard said, his eyes scanning the pages before him; there was a short pause before Shepard spoke again, where Kaidan stared at the ceiling and wondered what he was doing there at all, “We have our orders for deployment.”

“We do?” Kaidan frowned, “When did that come in?”

“A couple of hours ago,” Shepard said, “we’re leaving in two days, well actually in,” Shepard lifted his right arm a little and his omni-tool flared into life; he looked at it and continued, “fifty hours and twenty two minutes, to be precise. We’re heading out on a few supply runs with urgent aid, the Feros colony is getting back on its feet but they need equipment and we’re dropping off personnel, some engineers, some xeno-biologists who were interested in the Thorian,” the mere mention of the ancient alien made the hairs rise on the back of Kaidan’s neck but he suppressed the shiver, “also a few colonies whose supply lines were cut when everything went to shit. They’re pretty desperate for food and generators and we’re the fastest ship in the fleet after all. Then we’re to return to Sol to rendezvous with the fifth fleet. We’ll have a little free time while everything is sorted out; the Admiral is still recalling ships from the Attican Traverse and some of our best engineers are here on the Citadel helping with repairs. Once all that’s done we’re escorting the fleet out to Omega to set up research stations for the relay. Looks like a lot of work is going to have to go on if we’re to understand how that thing works.”

“I see,” Kaidan said as he absorbed the information, “well, at least they’re keeping us busy.”

“You can say that again,” Shepard said, “at least it’ll give the crew a chance to go home for a little while. After everything they threw us into it’s the least the military can do to give my people a little shore leave with their families before we’re deployed again. I mean I’m not even sure how long this assignment will be and, truthfully, it’s probably going to be nothing more than guard duty, supply runs and using our expensive scanners to...scan things. Seems a waste if you ask me.”

“Beats using our expensive guns to blow things up before they try to blow us up,” Kaidan said wryly.

“I guess,” Shepard didn’t sound convinced, “what about you? Going to visit your folks while you’re home?”

“I suppose,” Kaidan said vaguely; the last thing he wanted to get into with Shepard was his family problems. Change the subject, he thought, latching onto the fact that Shepard was a colonist as far as he could remember, not Earth-born. He was more than aware that he was diverting attention away from himself onto something that Shepard would perhaps not want to talk about either, “you ever been to earth, Shepard?”

“Once,” his Commander replied easily, making Kaidan feel a little less guilty, “three years back. The ceremony for the Star of Terra was held in Washington. I didn’t really see much; a shuttle down, stayed the night in the officer’s barracks. Captain Anderson was there actually, although he was a Major at the time. He had me over to his house, met his wife, Cynthia I think her name was, but I’ll admit I wasn’t the best company.

"I didn't know you knew Anderson from before," Kaidan said.

"He was the one who recommended me for the N7 program," Shepard explained, "so I guess he must have seen something in me, god knows what. I was deployed again two days later to help with the relief effort. The Blitz hit everyone pretty hard.”

“I remember that,” Kaidan said, frowning softly as he tried to recall the name, “the ‘iron rose’ ceremony.”

“I think that’s what it was called,” Shepard said derogatorily, “never made sense to me why.”

“My mom told me about it,” Kaidan said, “dad went. Sometimes I think he was more proud of you than anything else in that damn war.”

“There’s nothing to be proud of in war,” Shepard said, his voice holding steel beneath his casual tone.

“I don’t know about that,” Kaidan said but he didn’t elaborate; Shepard obviously wasn’t one to bring up his feelings on the honourable war hero with. Instead of continuing in a vein that would surely just get them into an argument Kaidan finally caved and went for the easy option, “what are you reading?”

“The Dispossessed,” Shepard said, seeming quite content not to elaborate, “old story, 21st century. Ever read it?”

“No,” Kaidan said simply, wondering what one earth Shepard was doing with a priceless book in his hands if he was telling the truth about the date of the novel, “what’s it about?”

“The steady decay of a civilisation,” Shepard said with a suitably wry tone, “through human error this time though. No giant alien races trying to wipe them out.”

“Well, at least it’s appropriate,” Kaidan murmured back humourlessly, consciously leaning in against Shepard until they fit comfortably together. He let his head lean back against the back of the couch and revelled in the comfort even as he detested it. He closed his eyes and everything seemed to drift away. From one thing to another, no time to savour the victory they had won, no time to recover from the friends they had lost; straight from one war into preparing for the next one. He heard the soft, distinct sound of a page being turned and focused on the feeling of Shepard’s arm moving against his as the man moved to deal with the book. Kaidan made sure not to lean too heavily against Shepard’s recently healed arm yet the man didn’t seem uncomfortable under the weight. The decision he made next was based on many things he would rather not think about but he said it nonetheless, “read some, would you?”

“What?” Shepard didn’t sound exactly surprised or confused, more curious.

“The book,” Kaidan continued, refusing to give away too much with his request, “I just need a distraction.”

There was a pause, then slow, jostling movements next to him as Shepard appeared to make himself more comfortable. Kaidan felt himself fall closer to the man and didn’t make any effort to move away. There was a pleasant rustling as Shepard flipped back to find the first page and cleared his throat. He began talking without any further prompt and Kaidan was glad. He wasn’t sure how he felt about everything else but, right there and then, he was sure he could have told Shepard the truth and not regretted it. No one else, with the exception of his mother, could make him so at ease as Shepard could. Or so ill at ease, when the mood suited either of them. Right at that moment, however, none of that mattered. He felt all of his thoughts, his worries and his fears, become nothing more than a background itch as Shepard’s voice began dictating the words of a long dead author whose ideals still resonated with the universe around them.

“There was a wall,” Shepard began, “it did not look important. It was built of uncut rocks roughly mortared. An adult could look right over it, and even a child could climb it. Where it crossed the roadway, instead of having a gate it degenerated into mere geometry, a line, an idea of a boundary. But the idea was real. It was important. For seven generations there had been nothing in the world more important than that wall...”

 

 

* * *

A hand against his hair. Kaidan blinked open his eyes to find gloom before them. He lifted his head from the back of the couch and took a deep breath. He looked round to find the hand was attached to an arm which promptly helped him up from the seat. Kaidan, only half awake as it was, allowed the arm to lead him forwards, tripping over things in the dark and slowly becoming more aware as he walked. He found himself in a room with a wide bed and squinted his eyes as a low light slowly illuminated, revealing a tastefully decorated bedroom. He looked back to the light and found Shepard standing before him, his chest bare and his eyes dark in the dim lighting.

“Take off your clothes,” he said, “I found these in the drawer over there.”

He handed Kaidan some soft, folded nightclothes which the lieutenant took without question, sniffing absently and briefly shaking his head as he looked down at the garments in his hands and tried to focus. He undressed mechanically and then redressed just as mechanically, going through the motions as his fogged brain ran at half power. The pale blue was reminiscent of the hospital gown he had found Shepard in a few days before and the colour association wasn’t exactly the best it could be, even though the pyjamas were very comfortable. He brushed his hands down over them and swallowed; when he next looked up it was to realise he had awoken enough to realise the situation he was in and that Shepard was already in the bed, under the covers, a soft glow coming from the side table as he put down his book and, rather humorously Kaidan thought, fluffed his pillow.

Kaidan hesitated, long enough for his Commander to notice. Shepard looked up at him with expectation, raising an eyebrow when Kaidan continued to stand there.

“Aren’t you tired?” he asked, as if this were the most natural thing and not as surreal as Kaidan found it to be.

“I...” Kaidan started but then stopped, not sure where he had been going with the sentence when he began; after another awkward moment he sighed and rubbed at his arms. It was cooler in the bedroom. He shuffled towards the bed and got in slowly, “yeah, I guess I am.”

It wasn’t that he was embarrassed or that he was shy, it wasn’t even that he was truly bothered by Shepard’s off-hand manner. Instead it was a niggling fear, something that made him hate himself for even thinking about it. It was his fear to deal with and he wouldn’t say that he dealt with it particularly well. The thought that when they had come together before, like two celestial bodies on an impact path with no way out, that it had been due to necessity rather than any real attraction that had prompted Shepard to zero in on him. Not that he doubted his Commander’s integrity, just that he knew what stress could do to a person. The situation that had brought them together was a unique one and Kaidan couldn’t help but think that now, in the light of a more peaceful environment, the flaws in their connection would be all the clearer. Such as the growing itch of paranoia that if they were caught, then, well...

“What are you doing over there?”

Shepard was asking a lot of awkward questions that night. Kaidan turned over reluctantly to find himself watched by two blue eyes beneath a frown. He shivered and pulled the covers further up over his shoulders.

“Getting some sleep,” Kaidan said, hoping for neutrality.

“Oh, so that’s how it is, is it?” Shepard asked dryly, obviously enjoying himself, “Only good for a one night stand am I?”

“What? No!” Kaidan could feel the heat in his face, “Shepard, really, that’s not what I meant and that’s really not appropriate, I just...”

He stopped talking because he realised how ridiculous he sounded. He let out a short sigh and tried to think about what he was saying before he said it. Shepard slid down from leaning against the plush headboard and placed his head against his pillow.

“I was kidding, Kaidan,” he said, sounding a little condescending.

“Sure, well, could you kid another time please?” Kaidan said stiffly, “I’m tired and I’m not in the mood.”

“Well you know what I’m in the mood for?” Shepard said back calmly.

“I daren’t guess,” Kaidan started but didn’t get any further than that.

There was plenty of time to move, more than enough opportunity to get out of the bed or to raise his hands and push Shepard away. As it was Kaidan simply let the breath stick in his throat as his Commander shimmied across the sheets and pulled him into a kiss. He felt his body go limp and his eyes close involuntarily, his hand coming up to grasp at a bicep, the other fumbling against soft clothes. A warm tongue slid slyly into his mouth and he didn’t stop it. Because this is what you wanted? He thought. He couldn’t deny it. He refused to be that much of a hypocrite. Shepard pulled back, still half leaning over him, licking his lips and watching Kaidan closely.

“You want the truth?” Shepard asked; Kaidan hesitated too long and lost his chance to say no. Shepard leaned down and began kissing at the soft flesh of Kaidan’s throat, “As soon as I got here and saw this bed, all I could think about was spreading you out on it and taking you.”

“Shepard, for god’s sake,” Kaidan mumbled, unsure whether he was offended or incredibly turned on by Shepard’s words, his whole body jerking as a wayward hand found his groin and began working him through the thin material of his pyjama bottoms.

“What’s wrong with that?” Shepard asked, once more leaning back, “You think that’s odd, Alenko? I don’t know, I find you pretty attractive lieutenant.”

“Do you really have to use titles in bed?” Kaidan asked, avoiding the question and trying to sound contrite despite his gasps of pleasure.

“Oh, I don’t know, I’m sure we could find some way to make that interesting, I am still your superior after all,” Shepard said with a small, devious smile; his visage dissolved into a frown when Kaidan looked away from him, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Kaidan lied convincingly, looking back to Shepard and reaching up to loop his arm around the other man’s neck, feeling the hot skin beneath his palm. This is real, this is truth, he thought to himself, you can’t deny yourself that.

“If you’re sure,” Shepard said, leaning down to kiss him again, “then let’s make good use of this room while we have the luxury. Who knows when we’ll have time like this again. Anyway, I can make it more enjoyable now I know it’s not your first time.”

“...That obvious, was I?” Kaidan tried to cover his mortification with humour; Shepard didn’t reply but his silence seemed to speak louder than any words would have. The lieutenant just closed his eyes and allowed the man to continue.

In truth he couldn’t really complain. He didn’t have a large frame of reference for sexual activities but, so far, everything Shepard did to him made his skin tingle, or burn, or shiver, made his insides twist around in knots of pleasure, made him feel like begging for more, which he was sure he might have done on a few occasions. The fears he held inside were still there, still gnawing at the back of his mind, but they were suppressed, hidden beneath layers of ecstasy and simple happiness to have found someone who could accept him enough to risk everything for this one simple act. Shepard had no reservations where Kaidan was concerned and he thought that must have counted for something. Kaidan’s actions may have come off as prudish but truthfully, if he would ever admit it to himself, he was just scared. When he realised the truth of the matter he was more ashamed of himself than he was of Shepard’s behaviour.

“You know you’re a deceptive little package, aren’t you,” Shepard said as they lay on the bed, catching their breath and trying to ignore the wetness and the stickiness coating their bodies.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kaidan asked, turning to face Shepard with a frown.

“Just that you seem all reticent and proper,” Shepard smirked, “then we get down to it and you’re far filthier than you let on, that’s all.”

“I’m a man of latent talents,” Kaidan said with a quiet chuckle, trying his best to be at ease with Shepard’s candidness.

Shepard trailed a hand up over Kaidan’s abdomen, making the other man shiver. The hand continued over his chest, up and over on his left arm. Shepard watched him as he seemed to map out his body. Kaidan wasn’t sure what to say and simply allowed the man his oddity. What Shepard said next, however, forced him back to reality.

“Don’t know how to relax though, do you,” he said; it wasn’t a question.

“It’s not exactly in my nature,” Kaidan shrugged off the comment.

“Horseshit,” Shepard replied easily, taking Kaidan off guard, “you’re just...look Kaidan, if you don’t want any of this,” Shepard moved his hand back and forth between them, “you just have to say. I know the risks but then I’m used to taking them. I won’t say that I’m a rebellious man, I don’t always gel with authority but I think I’ve had enough duty pummelled into me over the years to know when to fall into line; but I know when a risk is worth taking.”

“I’m not that...it’s just that it’s not, well, not that simple,” Kaidan tried to argue, even though he knew it was flawed; you’re just worried, he thought, that the risk isn’t worth it. Is it fair to keep questioning it? Is this worth the career you’ve built with your own hands over these past years? Is it worth the home you’ve found on the _Normandy_? Is it worth the part of yourself you would lose if this all turns out to be nothing? You’ve already committed too much, you’ve already fallen too hard; aren’t you scared this might break you all over again?

“Isn’t it?” Shepard asked, continuing to trail his hand over Kaidan’s cooling skin, his fingers leaving a trail of ticklish feeling in their wake, “I don’t know, compared to all the other decisions I’ve had to make recently this one seems pretty straight forward to me.”

“Well then maybe you’re just not looking hard enough,” Kaidan said stiffly, taking a deep breath and letting it out as a long sigh even as Shepard’s eyes moved from following the path of his hand to staring at Kaidan intently, “come on Shepard, you’re not ignorant of the consequences. If this...if it ever got out we’d both be finished. Or at the very least separated, if we’re lucky. After everything else we pulled during the war with Saren it would be _lenient_ if they only discharged us.”

“So you’re going to tell me to get out of this bed because you’re worried about your career?” Shepard didn’t sound impressed.

“Wouldn’t that be why you would ask me to get out?” Kaidan countered.

“No,” Shepard said, shaking his head and looking at his hand as he splayed out the palm against Kaidan’s stomach and let out a short sigh, “it wouldn’t.”

“Hey, don’t make me sound like an asshole,” Kaidan said tightly.

“No need,” Shepard said as he retracted his hand and lay back, seeming to stare up at the darkness, “you’re doing a good enough job of that on your own.”

“Fuck,” Kaidan whispered out angrily, turning onto his side, “look, that’s not what I meant, ok? I didn’t...this is crazy. I don’t think of you like that. I mean, no, that’s wrong. I...I really like you Shepard. I, dammit I’m not good at this.”

“Well that’s obvious,” Shepard said wryly.

“Would you stop the sarcastic comments for just a minute?” Kaidan asked angrily, making Shepard sigh in annoyance; Kaidan knew that there had always been something boiling below the surface but that one derisive action from Shepard seemed to force it to spill over the edge. He let his mouth run away with him without thinking about it too clearly, “ever since I met you all you’ve done is drive me nuts! I’m not used to people treating me the way you do, one minute I’m your subordinate and the next I’m your friend and then after that you’ve got me in your bed and then we’re all going to die! I’m not good with relationships at the best of times but this is something else. There’s so much behind us now but I can’t help it, it’s still there, laughing at me; Onterom, Virmire, I don’t know what to do with any of it! I try and focus on something important and in the end it seems so bloody trite when we just end up arguing like kids.”

Or sounding like preachy jackasses, Kaidan thought as he sat up and realised that he was ranting without purpose. Wow, yeah, he’s going to respect you so much more after _that_. He wasn’t sure whether he was thankful or not to feel the hand around his arm as he made to leave.

“...Then, if it’s not a stupid question,” Shepard said flatly, “what is it worth?”

It is a stupid question, Kaidan thought derisively, considering what it was asking. What was true happiness worth? There wasn’t a price anyone could put on it. He felt as if he should be willing to risk anything for that, only he couldn’t bring himself to be that selfish. Which was when he realised that not only were their priorities different but their ideals were too. Shepard wasn’t selfish, his actions during his very prestigious military career were testament to that. He was just practical, Kaidan reasoned, he was a man used to working through a strategy in order to get what he wanted. He was a man accustomed to loss and yet he seemed to have dealt with it differently to Kaidan. He had become far more positive in his outlook, seeking out what he could get, keeping hold of it for as long as he could and never looking back. He weighed the risks, made his decision and that was all there was to it. Kaidan wished he could be that ruthless with his feelings. Instead he was reticent and calculated and sometimes inappropriately impulsive. He knew that and yet he ended up saying the next words without a thought for what it would mean.

“You want the truth?” Kaidan asked, echoing Shepard’s earlier question; he let out a derisive laugh as Shepard watched him, “truth is sometimes I feel that I fell in love with you because I’m some sort of glutton for punishment. I just keep reaching for things I can’t have and, worse than that, getting hung up on things that aren’t exactly a priority. Dammit Shepard, we don’t even know what’s coming next. The Reapers, the Protheans? I mean there might be another war just over the horizon for all we know...”

“Wait, you..?” he heard Shepard speak but cut him off.

“...But even with all that it shouldn’t have to be this complicated, should it?” he asked, wishing he could take his words back, “After everything we’ve been through, shouldn’t it be easier? God, look at me, what am I even talking about anymore? Sorry, ok? I’m sorry.”

The chance to leave never even became available. Kaidan wasn’t embarrassed or angry or even particularly sad when Shepard sat up behind him and pulled him down against the mattress. He felt hollow; a small, insignificant thing amidst the vast chaos of the universe. It seemed a hackneyed perspective, yet sometimes he found himself  wondering, just wondering, about the vast expanse that spanned outwards from him at any given point in space and time. Hundreds of thousands of worlds in hundreds of thousands of star systems in hundreds of thousands of galaxies. An infinite cosmos filled with birth, life and death, whether of people or of stars or the unknown.

And beyond that, dark space lurked like the monster under the bed. Just beyond the realms of imagination yet just close enough to the real world to be truly threatening. I’m here, I’m alive, and all I can worry about is whether this man beside me cares enough to see past my flaws. How short sighted can I be, after all I’ve seen and heard? How can everything around me come down to one decision which, in the scale of things, was truly inconsequential.

“I’m sure you’ve heard this a thousand times,” Shepard said, holding Kaidan loosely, his right arm curved around his shoulders, Kaidan’s head against the front of his shoulder, “but you think too much,” truthfully Kaidan was just glad Shepard wasn’t commenting on his rather casual use of the L-word and hoped they could just pretend that had never happened.

“Ha, yeah, well,” Kaidan had let out the bark of laughter perhaps more as a cover than any real need to laugh, “you don’t get any points for guessing that.”

“You’re making this a lot harder than it has to be,” Shepard continued, ignoring Kaidan’s attempt to derail the conversation, “and if it’s some sort of reassurance you want then, yeah, I like you too.”

“Is that right,” Kaidan said, for a lack of anything better to say.

“Yeah,” Shepard said, refusing to go any further than that, “it is.”

You should say something, Kaidan’s conscience supplied unhelpfully. Still, he couldn’t get his brain into gear and, instead of replying to Shepard’s candid statement, he kept quiet. He found himself stuck between the odd hollow feeling he had engendered and the seductive warmth Shepard’s words had left him with. I really do think too much, Kaidan thought with a shake of his head.

So instead of answering he said nothing. He moved over onto his side and curled up next to Shepard, feeling the man’s chest beneath his face, and went to sleep with an arm around his back and the offer hanging in the air above him.

He took it as a good sign that Shepard was still there when he woke up in the morning.


	2. Under the Sheltering Sky (part 1)

As far as Kaidan Alenko was concerned, Malcolm Shepard taught humility the way a crash test dummy taught you not to get into crashes. With a ruthless efficiency that had no concern for its own wellbeing.

“I don’t really know,” Shepard shrugged as Kaidan’s father Russell and his mother Joyce both looked at the man as if he were irreverent and mad respectively, “sometime after I was arrested for joyriding, I think.”

How in the flying fuck do I get myself into these situations? Kaidan thought as he stared at Shepard, the spoonful of soup half way to his mouth. The three Alenko’s continued their blank scrutiny of Shepard until the other man seemed to grow increasingly aware that the silence was genuine. Then he cleared his throat and tried to sound contrite.

“That was a joke,” he said, taking a spoonful of soup and listening to Joyce cough politely as she smiled.

The fact that Shepard was even there was a bizarre factor, in Kaidan’s mind, as was the fact that he had even been able to convince his Commander to visit Earth with the rest of them on shore leave at all. It was important that they should all go as a group he had said; solidarity, he was sure he mentioned solidarity. He had used anything he could in order to make sure Shepard wasn’t left basically on his own, floating around the blue planet while the rest of his comrades were taking time off to relax.

What he hadn’t banked upon was Shepard somehow turning ‘come-on-shore-leave-it’ll-be-good-for-you’ into ‘come-on-shore-leave-so-you-can-somehow-inveigle-your-way-into-my-family-visit-to-make-things-even-more-awakward-than-they-already-are’. Or, basically, so Shepard could come on shore leave and be _Shepard_.

* * *

It had all started innocently enough.

A week had passed since their departure from the Citadel and things had been going smoothly, or as smoothly as they could considering most of the drop points they reached either had problems that delayed them or, even worse as far as Kaidan was concerned, a lack of gratitude. Kaidan wasn’t sure if he was the only one who saw the tension building in Shepard but he wasn’t exactly sure how to get at the man to ask either. There never seemed to be a spare moment for them to just talk, something Kaidan was very aware of.

The problems weren’t, as the semantics suggested, a problem. The _Normandy_ had been selected as a relief vessel and she did her duty as was necessary. When the new generator delivered to the colony on Feros exploded half way through unloading their supplies, Shepard sent Adams and Grenado to fix it without any trouble. Shepard seemed to work better when there _was _a problem rather than a lack of one. It cost them five hours and it meant that Kaidan spent that extra time trying to ignore both where he was docked and his colleague’s concerned glances. Yet it didn’t matter. He’d been through worse, far worse; he’d experienced the Thorian up close and personal, something he still considered worse than the phantom memory of the bizarre alien. Then they moved on, now thrown off schedule, and managed to get nothing but insults, both subtle and unsubtle, from the following colonies they visited to deliver food, medical supplies, engineering expertise and even, on a two occasions, armed help. The first of those occasions had been when they reached Shanxi, their third stop. They found, soon after landing, that as quickly as the fleet had moved from the Shanxi-Theta relay in order to form a counter offensive against Saren, raiders had been plaguing the colony with attacks, both Batarian and Vorcha. It had been made worse only through the heavy anti-alien sentiment on Shanxi, what with the First Contact War basically starting there, and the _Terra Firma_ party, or their more militant members, had taken this as a time to retaliate. It hadn’t been an easy job calming the situation down, especially when they were only there as temporary relief and to inform them that the fleet would be delayed in their return to Shanxi-Theta. Kaidan wasn’t privy to Shepard’s meeting with the Colony's leader, a woman named Faraday who he’d heard rumours about being pretty hard line herself, but if the Commander’s stony expression on coming aboard was anything to go by, Kaidan would assume it hadn’t gone well. They stayed to help for as long as they could and Kaidan was ordered to take the marines in to clear out any resistance. Still, they left on a sour note.__

Then Kaidan found out their next destination. It wasn’t that he hadn’t been paying attention, just that he’d been preoccupied with making up the supply packets, keeping the roster rolling while trying to make up for their lost time, trying to make sure he could keep a minimum of two of the engineering team free for their scheduled rendezvous with the next colony, as well as keep the marines ready in case of anything unexpected. When he’d finally managed to get round to the briefing for their next run, five hours out from being planet-side, it had taken him a few minutes to figure out why this might be a problem.

“Did no one feel the need to mention this?” he had asked himself, mainly because he wasn’t sure who else to ask; it seemed obvious to him yet, the more he thought about it as he paced around the barracks in frustration, perhaps that was only because he was so inappropriately involved with their CO.

Mindoir. He was more than aware that he didn’t know anything about the colony further than its tragic past and, to an extent, Shepard’s own tragedy. It had been rebuilt, as far as he could tell, three years  earlier and even some of the surviving colonists from the raid had returned. The thought made Kaidan feel uneasy. He had heard about what the Batarian’s had done, implanting their prisoners, taking them as slaves. The thought made him sick and somehow he had to wonder at the fact, that people would ever want to return there at all, never mind those who had suffered through something that hideous. He hadn’t known how to bring it up or even if he _should_. That was a long time ago, Kaidan tried to reason to himself as he continued with his duties, maybe it’s not as big a deal as you’re making it out to be.

Then he would remember the report. Shepard’s parents, his sister and his friends had all been slaughtered in the Batarian raid. He was one in a handful to make it out alive. Then everything that happened on Akuze, Kaidan thought as he directed the relief team in the cargo bay, making sure they had everything they needed. Jesus, he thought bluntly, I’m kind of surprised Shepard isn’t more fucked up than he is. Then he remembered Onterom and Kaidan thought it best not to think about any of it anymore.

He didn’t get a chance to see Shepard until they had finished offloading the relief team by shuttle down to the planet’s surface. He had found Shepard in the comm. room talking to someone on the vid-com. Kaidan left when Shepard gave him a quick wave and waited outside until his CO emerged from the dark room.

“Report Lieutenant,” he had said, holding out his hand in anticipation of the datapad he knew Kaidan would hand him.

He had looked normal, was Kaidan’s first impression, yet he knew it was nothing more than a mask. Kaidan was getting used to seeing Shepard’s masks for what they really were. Even when his CO thought he’d covered everything up there was always a chink, a crack, some flaw. Only problem was Kaidan was never sure how to approach it.

“The first and second relief teams have been dropped, Westside and Eastside, sectors two and four,” Kaidan handed Shepard the anticipated datapad and observed that the man seemed to visibly relax once he had the device in his hand, “next reports are due in 1545 and 1400.”

“That’s good,” Shepard said a little absently as he flicked through the datapad. Kaidan wanted to open his mouth and ask who the Commander had been talking to, if there was anything he could do, if he was alright...but it seemed a pointless gesture when he knew what response he’d get. Thankfully he hadn’t needed to ask, this time Shepard had actually spoken without any prompting, “Alenko, I need you to get the on call team prepped and planet-side in the next forty minutes. I’ve sent you the co-ordinates.”

“Aye, aye sir,” Kaidan said on instinct, taking back the datapad, pulling up his omni-tool and opening the file he must have received from Shepard moments before without noticing; he could have read it but instead he asked, “what’s the situation?”

“One of the colony's outlying settlements went dark a week ago,” Shepard said, “sector 12. The governing body said they sent out scouting teams but a few days worth of bad storms delayed them and they were driven back. After supplies began to fall low they didn’t have the manpower or the ability to send out another relief effort. They’ve asked us to investigate.”

“The team is already prepped,” Kaidan said as he looked back to Shepard, “we can drop as soon as the shuttle returns.”

“Good,” Shepard said, again with that slightly distant tone. Kaidan had opened his mouth to ask what was going on but was cut off when Shepard continued, “get to it, Lieutenant.”

Conversation over. Kaidan assembled his team and they did as they were told. Everything had been a little up in the air. He thought he knew how to handle this, he thought that, maybe, just maybe, things could be as simple as Shepard made out that they were. They were together when they could be and, when they couldn’t, they were professional to the point that no one would suspect a thing. Only Kaidan hadn’t realised how hard something like that was in practice. His torn feelings over Shepard during the war with Saren had seemed like small potatoes compared to this. Actually having him and yet not having him at all. It had been easier when they had been dancing around the subject, he had thought.

Then he had stopped thinking about it. Not because he wanted to, instead because he had to. They reached Sector 12, a small set of farmsteads on the outer rim of the colonisation project. The place was oddly quiet when they landed. He sent three teams of two out to scout each house and then, when they reported back fifteen minutes later, they found themselves standing in the middle of a completely empty compound while the sun shone down on them and the windmill generators behind them spun lazily in the breeze. It was worse, somehow, than finding corpses.

“None of you found _anything_?” Kaidan had asked his team with a frown.

“No sir,” Barret replied, “although there is a signal on the radar. When I went to the co-ordinates I couldn’t find anything sir.”

They returned to the sensor blip which Barret had discovered. Kaidan ordered the rest of the squad to do another sweep, this time taking nothing for granted, and making sure they looked everywhere, even out into the fields themselves. He knew he was being overly systematic, making them do three sweeps, but he felt that they needed answers. The thought of going back to Shepard with nothing but ominously missing colonists made him feel a little ill. It had been sheer luck that he and Barret had even found what was creating the signal, in one of the large houses by the south field. Kaidan had been walking around what appeared to be a downstairs living room when he tripped over the corner of the thick rug, his heart jumping into his throat considering how on edge he had been in this ghost town. He had cursed after picking himself up off of the ground, kneeling and shaking his head with a small smile on his face.

“You’re letting this get to you,” he said quietly to himself, before pushing down onto the floorboards to get up.

That the floorboard shifted beneath his hand wasn’t what surprised him. What it revealed was. Kaidan had pushed the couch out of the way and discovered some sort of hidden stash by the wall. At first it had simply made him feel more melancholy about the whole affair. They appeared to be the effects of a child: a toy horse, a small penknife and a well used, old model datapad which Kaidan was sure had been a hand-me-down. That was when he found it, the thing that must have been giving out the faint signal. The sight of it made Kaidan’s eyes narrow.

“You’re sure, Lieutenant?” Shepard had asked when Kaidan debriefed him after their return.

“We did three sweeps, sir,” Kaidan replied, “and the most we found was this. There weren’t even signs of a struggle. The place was just empty. When I found this it looked like it had been stashed, although I'm not sure by who.”

He had handed over the device he had found hidden beneath the floorboards, a small communicator with a few basic functions, a voice recorder and a small amount of data storage. He knew that Shepard felt the way he did as he stared at it; or more precisely, the logo emblazoned onto its side.

Cerberus.

Shepard had reported back to Mindoir’s governor and hadn’t looked any better when he came out than when he went in. Kaidan had expected an update, maybe even some action they were to take, but instead Shepard told him later that it was to be passed on to the Alliance for further investigation. Sure, Kaidan thought as he observed the subtle glint of violence in Shepard’s eyes despite his calm demeanour, it’ll be _passed off_. He was certain that this wouldn’t be something Shepard would leave to be eventually gotten around to by the Alliance military. After everything that had happened Kaidan knew two things: that Shepard knew how to hold a grudge and that he dealt with his grudges personally.

So he had looked into it, because he knew that was what Shepard would do anyway. By the time they had left their last port of call before heading back to the Sol system, an outlying colony on Demeris, he and Shepard finally found a couple of hours where they were both off duty at the same time. It hadn’t taken any leap of the imagination what Shepard wanted when Kaidan walked into his quarters. The Lieutenant barely managed to get two words out before Shepard had taken hold of his waist and neck and kissed him so thoroughly that he nearly forgot how to talk at all. An hour later, as they lay in the dishevelled bed, either too tired or unwilling to move, Kaidan had brought it up. He didn’t know if it was a good idea or not but he’d done it anyway.

It turned out that the two of the people who had been living in Sector 12 had been survivors of the raid who had returned to the colony after being freed from the Batarian slavers; Zabaleta Sharen and Harrild Church. Considering the lack of dead at the scene and, as far as their contacts could tell him, the interest surrounding the Batarian mind control devices, Kaidan found it a likely outcome that Cerberus was also interested in this technology. Kidnapping an entire village seemed rather severe to him, yet he was beginning to think that there wasn’t much he could put past Cerberus.

“I thought you’d want to know,” Kaidan had said as he watched Shepard read the datapad, his eyes hard.

“This is some...classified information, Lieutenant,” Shepard hadn’t sounded angry but it was difficult to tell if he sounded impressed either.

“Well, uh, yeah,” Kaidan said, trying to see Shepard’s face from the awkward angle he was at, lying against Shepard’s side with his CO’s arm around his back, “I didn’t think there would be anything on the official channels. And we still have contacts from while we were gathering intelligence on Saren, it’s really pretty handy, so...”

“Thanks,” Shepard interrupted; there was a pause, during which Shepard put the datapad down on the bed and looked at him, “just...thanks Kaidan.”

The kiss had told him everything he thought he didn’t know from Shepard’s words. The heavy affection tainted once more by that subtle desperation which Kaidan was beginning to think Shepard wasn’t even conscious of. They had fallen swiftly back to the physical, Kaidan allowing Shepard to indulge himself without prodding his CO further. 1800 hours had come too soon and Kaidan almost, _almost_ , found himself considering being late for his stint in the cockpit with Joker. Although I’ll never hear the end of it if I am, Kaidan had tried to kid as he showered.

* * *

“You can’t just sit up here staring at it out of the window,” Kaidan said with a significant look, walking behind Shepard’s chair as he returned his eyes to the datapad in his hand and tried his best not to stare at it anxiously.

“Or stare at it on the view screen,” Joker threw in his two cents as he sat at the other side of the rec room playing what looked like Turian chess with Garrus; just like normal chess, only with an octagonal board, two levels and a heck of a lot more violence, as far as Kaidan could tell, “come on, it’ll be fun Commander. You know, fun? That thing you’re supposed to have every now and then?”

“I have fun,” Shepard replied as he sat sideways in his chair and tapped his fingers against the table in front of him, sporting his ‘almost’ smile.

“Whoa, whatever you and the Lieutenant get up to is none of _my_ business...” Joker said raising his hands and smirking.

“Shut up, Jeff,” Kaidan said absently as he continued to pace, trying to make it sound casual even as Joker’s casual slight made him jumpy considering their public setting.

“All I’m saying is that sometimes you just need to get your feet on the ground,” Joker said with a shrug of his own, “it’s relaxing, you know? Puts things in perspective.”

“Your pilot might be coming across as an errant philosopher,” Garrus said as he moved one of the larger pieces near the middle of the board up onto the second tier, making Joker let out a quiet ‘ _dammit’_ , “but he’s right. You can’t stay cooped up here. Go down, be among your people, smell the air, see the sights.”

“You forget I wasn’t raised on Earth,” Shepard said, his voice noticeably tighter; or perhaps it was only Kaidan who noticed the subtle shift, “there’s nothing nostalgic for me down there.”

“It doesn’t need to be nostalgia,” Joker said with a frown, “it’s just...being one of the team.  It doesn’t matter where you are, it matters who you’re with, right?”

“That’s a gross oversimplification,” Shepard said with a sigh, finally looking up to Kaidan and snapping out, “dammit Alenko, will you stop your pacing and send that fucking message before I do it for you.”

Kaidan had stopped, more out of surprise at Shepard’s sudden outburst, but instead of replying he sat down across from the Commander at the table and put the datapad down untouched. Shepard gave him a long look before sighing and looking away. It had been an up and down week, Kaidan knew that, but Shepard’s mood swings were getting a little hard to predict. With the crew he was a consummate professional but with him...well, one minute he could be distant, the next professional, the next angry, the next horny, the next grateful, the next tender. Considering how little time they had managed to scrape together to be alone, fitting all of that into a total of four hours or so was pretty disorientating. Kaidan thought he knew that Shepard’s reasons for being agitated about his hesitancy to send his message were pretty damned complex, but he still didn’t appreciate it.

“Don’t try and throw this onto me,” Kaidan said, trying his best not to get too informal in front of the others, “you’re the one who won’t come on shore leave with us, sir.”

“I don’t need some pity party just because I don’t have anyone to visit,” Shepard said with a wry smile, making Kaidan feel bad for trying to force this idea on him in the first place, “besides, someone has to be here to look after the ship.”

“You already know there’ll be people here looking after the ship,” Garrus said in a slightly sing-song hum, “you’re starting to sound like Liara with all the excuses.”

“It’s not an excuse, I mean...oh for the sake of...” Shepard rubbed at his face tiredly and sat forwards in his chair, blocking Garrus and Joker from seeing his reaction; Kaidan was the only one afforded a view of the man’s face.

The mask slipped, allowing a rare glimpse into Shepard’s usually well hidden feelings. He looked worn down, drained. For an inexplicable moment Kaidan had to fight the instinctual want to reach out and touch Shepard’s left hand which lay palm down on the table. Instead he cleared his throat and picked up the datapad which he’d been treating like it was going to bite him for the past hour. The message there was stark, black text on a white background. In truth he could understand Shepard’s frustration with him. He was beginning to feel it with himself as well.

_Hey Mom,_

_Sorry this is so last minute but I have some shore leave from Friday night to Sunday morning and thought I could come visit. Let me know if that’s alright and I’ll book the shuttle._

_Kaidan_

It didn’t get more simple than that. So what made it so damned complicated? He looked up from the datapad and looked straight at Shepard; the other man had already been watching him. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Kaidan stepped up and broke the silence. He lifted the datapad so that Shepard could see the interface and put his thumb over the large ‘send’ icon.

“Come down planet-side and promise us you’ll relax a little,” he said as he stood up, “and I promise to send this and stop pacing.”

“I’m not in the mood Lieutenant,” Shepard said flatly, “and anyway, I won’t be blackmailed.”

“Yes you will,” Kaidan said with a smile, making Shepard frown in confusion; hoping that levity would be a good choice Kaidan went with it. Considering how taciturn Shepard had been it was difficult to know what sort of reaction you would get, “it’s simple. Either I will or I won’t. It’s up to you.”

“Don’t be so juvenile,” Shepard said, sitting back in his chair; Kaidan could see Joker grinning in the background while Garrus watched them with subtle humour in his eyes.

“Then you don’t be so juvenile,” Kaidan shrugged, “what’ll it be Commander?”

There was something deadly in the silence that followed. It made Kaidan rethink his words but it was too late to take them back. What in the hell am I supposed to say to you? Kaidan thought as Shepard stared into the middle distance as if he were remembering something that made him too furious to talk. After another few awkward seconds he stood up and pasted on a smile.

“Fine, you win,” Shepard said casually, “send your message and I’ll go with you all. Happy?”

“...Yeah,” Kaidan said a little warily, “thanks.”

“No need to thank me,” Shepard said with a sigh as he walked past Kaidan and left the rec room without another word.

Kaidan sat back down, looked at the datapad and drew a deep breath into his lungs. He pressed send and then let the breath out slowly. Well, we’ll see if this was all worth it then, he thought. After fighting off hoards of Krogan, Rachni, Geth and even a goddamned Reaper, this really shouldn’t be difficult, should it? he thought once more.

“You know you two argue like an old married couple,” Joker said as Kaidan continued to look down at the send confirmation on the screen, “you should really just tie the knot and get it over and done with already.”

“Shut up, Jeff,” Kaidan said offhandedly, “and will you please stop with the comments already?”

“Oh I don’t really care one way or the other,” Joker said, smiling as he captured on of Garrus’ pieces, “I just have a bet going on how many times you can tell me to shut up in the space of an hour.”

“I have a hundred credits on twenty,” Garrus said, making Kaidan roll his eyes, “so it would be appreciated if you could continue to rebuke your colleague, Lieutenant.”

They hadn’t talked since then, apart from a quick and very professional update on the _Normandy’s_ system repairs which Kaidan delivered during Shepard’s routine inspection, throughout which Kaidan would have been surprised if anyone could tell there was any ill feeling between them at all. Despite the expert deception, it made him feel a little hollow that they had so easily fallen into this oddly duplicitous lifestyle. It had seemed like it was only a few nights ago that Kaidan could remember he was the one being reticent in the hotel room, while Shepard tried to reason with him about why their staying together was such a great idea in the first place. His Commander seemed to be quite the manipulator, as far as Kaidan was concerned, which then took him in the direction of wondering about how and why.

It was then that he realised that Shepard appeared to know him far better than he knew Shepard. Which, on closer inspection, was something that he already knew but just hadn’t wanted to think too hard about. Which led back cyclically to what had started this whole stupid argument in the first place.

Fuck my life, Kaidan had thought as he stared out the cockpit window at the Earth spinning silently below them.

* * *

“You’re joining us, Liara?” Kaidan asked with a smile as the Asari bundled herself suddenly into the cargo bay, carrying a small holdall.

“Oh, yes,” she said, seeming slightly alarmed and yet anticipatory, “I just have a few things with me. I didn’t think...I mean we won’t be staying too long so...”

“Ah, all you need is a change of underwear sweetie,” Caroline Grenado said with a smile, patting a startled Liara’s shoulder as she walked past and towards the loading area, “it’s shore leave!”

“Please don’t pay too much attention to my team,” Chief Adams and a few more of the engineering crew appeared moments later, Adams taking a moment to stop and talk as his team followed Caroline, “they love to talk.”

“Everyone knows that Engineering brings the party, Chief!” Caroline shouted back, making her superior groan and shake his head.

Kaidan took pity on Liara, looking like a rock amid the stream as the crew swarmed around her, and walked over to escort her to the shuttles. She smiled a little shyly as he linked his arm with hers but walked with him nonetheless. The shuttles had been running for the past half hour, using the _Normandy’s_ own personal shuttlecraft and also another from The Ontario Alliance HQ where the current crew were being ferried to. Others were waiting for shuttles home from all over the globe but, as this was the first stop, quite a lot of the crew were simply jumping ship to the first major city in order to get planet-side.

“I’ve never been to Earth before,” she said as they waited, “I thought it would be a unique opportunity to study human culture.”

“Well, I’m not sure if shore leave, after everything we’ve been through lately, will give you an accurate picture of human culture,” Kaidan said, “but yeah, go for it.”

The shuttle arrived and everyone ploughed on like a group of unruly school children, chattering and joking and pushing and laughing. Kaidan called out for them to get in line, making them seem to almost involuntarily snap to attention. At least I haven’t lost my touch, he thought as the crew boarded the shuttle in a much more sober manner. Considering it was the shuttle from Ontario HQ Kaidan just didn’t want his crew to look like a bunch of rowdy assholes in front of the pilots. He was glad that they didn’t.

“Um, Lieutenant, what did you mean when you said I won’t get an accurate picture of human culture?” Liara asked as she reached up to pack her luggage into the overhead equipment storage, giving Kaidan a quizzical look, “Considering where I am going that seems a little unrealistic.”

“Well,” Kaidan looked around at the men and women who were also seated in the large transport shuttle, acting far more rationally now, yet he could see the suppressed excitement there in their faces, feel the tension in the air. He was sure that, after tonight, Liara would have seen both the best and the worst that human culture had to offer. He gave her a reassuring smile as she took her seat, “it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you down there.”

He left the full shuttle and radioed the pilot to give her the all clear for take-off. He watched as the shuttle manoeuvred its way out of the open docking bay doors and turned slowly on its axis. Behind it Kaidan watched as the curve of the earth spun lazily against the black backdrop of space. It was something he didn’t think he’d ever get tired of seeing. The night time landscape of North America, Canada and Alaska were aglow with lights, sparse clouds only visible where they blocked the glow of cities and towns. The earth was dark but also simultaneously bright with civilisation. He watched it as he reached down to pick up his own bag, small and compact, and checked his roster for the last trip in this time zone. He checked them off in his head, counting ten, before a sudden voice to his left startled him out of his wits.

“So, does it look any better close up?”

“Fuck me,” Kaidan said under his breath as he slowed his beating heart; he looked to Shepard as the man stood there in his casual wear, unrepentant, “could you please not scare the living crap out of me?”

“Well that’s no way to talk to your CO, Lieutenant,” Shepard said, raising an eyebrow.

“My shore leave officially started an hour ago, Shepard,” Kaidan said as he looked back to his roster, “I’ve just been helping out the pilots by organising the crew into shuttle runs. For the next couple of days I will take pleasure in not calling you ‘sir’, sir.”

“Well, at least not in public,” Shepard said quietly, after a quick glance around the mainly empty cargo bay; Kaidan gave him a look and Shepard just grinned. The man seemed to be happy to act as if nothing had happened at all, “and anyway, since when does shore leave count as my suddenly not being your CO?”

“Since I came up with the idea an hour ago,” Kaidan shrugged, “anyway, I didn’t expect you to show up.”

He didn’t have to say why, it was really quite obvious to both of them. Kaidan put the roster back into his pocket. The silence didn’t last long yet Kaidan knew it was long enough to mean something. Shepard was a man of action, if nothing else he knew that for sure. He didn’t waste time for no reason.

“Well, it was a deal, wasn’t it?” Shepard finally asked with a soft sigh, “Anyway, got nothing better to do other than stay up here and watch Tali and Garrus try and talk to each other without being awkward.”

“Sure,” Kaidan said, rather noncommittally, “whatever you say, Shepard.”

“Look, could we maybe not do this?” Shepard said, his tone a touch of irritation mixed with a touch of remorse.

“What? You mean ‘this’ as in fight, or ‘this’ as in us?” Kaidan asked spitefully.

The silence was definitely telling. He hadn’t meant to snap and he regretted his words as soon as he’d said them, partly because they only exacerbated the situation but mainly because they were so very telling. Kaidan didn’t think he needed Shepard to know his own turmoil any more than he wanted to think about it himself. He was tired, fed up, anxious about his parents, a little thrown by Shepard’s constantly shifting moods and overall tetchy. Not a good mood in which to talk to Shepard, that much he knew. Thankfully he heard the 1700 groups’ elevator arriving as the last of the crew for this shuttle piled out into the cargo bay. Shepard looked over his shoulder at them before turning back to look out at the earth as it sat beneath them, blinking in the darkness.

“Well, you are in a foul mood, aren’t you Lieutenant,” Shepard said, his voice low.

“Yeah, I guess I am,” Kaidan replied with a sigh, wishing he could reign his temper in a bit more.

“You know you don’t have to go and see your parents,” Shepard said, fielding the conversation away from himself, “it was just a suggestion.”

“I’d rather not talk about that, thanks,” Kaidan said quickly, tacking on, “unless you’d like to share?”

“...Touché,” was Shepard’s only reply, giving Kaidan an unsettling look as the crew finally began crowding around them and Kaidan pulled out the roster to make sure everyone was present and accounted for.

Way to make things one hundred times worse than they already are Alenko, Kaidan thought grimly.

* * *

It had ended up the way he thought it would. They had been flown into Alliance HQ and processed through their system. Kaidan didn’t think he’d appreciated the sight of the high mountains and the wide open, busy bay, filled with ships and long, swinging bridges more than he did then. The skyline of Vancouver was something he found oddly comforting, despite the bad memories it dredged up. It’s still home, Kaidan thought as the shuttle flew in over the city while the sun headed towards the horizon. They headed for the spire-like building that housed the Alliance Control for this region. The thought only made him feel a sting of guilt as he looked to Shepard, fast asleep beside him, and thought of Mindoir. The dead farm, everything untouched, doors left open, machines running without anyone there. At least I have a home to go back to, he thought as the shadows played across Shepard’s face.

Kaidan was glad that the crew continued their regimen of following orders and procedures when they reached HQ, considering they were unexpectedly greeted by Admiral Hackett. The grey haired Admiral informed them that he had taken the time to both informally thank the crew of the _Normandy_ but, obviously more importantly as far as Kaidan could tell, meet with Shepard. Kaidan had put his hand on Shepard’s shoulder as his CO made to follow the Admiral and his retinue into the main building while the crew headed to the transport hub.

“Hey, uh, so you can find us,” Kaidan said, typing quickly in his omni-tool, “here’s my number.”

“I already have your comm., Lieutenant,” Shepard frowned.

“It won’t work here,” Kaidan said, noting that Shepard shifted a little uncomfortably on his feet, “it’s...it’s an Earth-net thing. Just, here, I’ve sent it to you. Call when you get out of your meeting and we can all meet up, alright?”

“Sure,” Shepard said, an ‘almost’ smile quirking at the corners of his mouth.

Kaidan took that as a good sign. Until he hadn’t heard from Shepard for the next few hours. They’d headed into the centre of town and, while they’d lost groups along the way, Kaidan found himself in a rather cosy bar he used to like called ‘Gerard’s’, a couple of blocks over from the Sky-train station. Himself, Joker, Liara, Caroline, Adams, his marines Barret and Fredericks and even Doctor Chakwas had ended up in a big group together. They had pushed a couple of tables together and had fallen into the easy atmosphere of the bar. The lighting was low and the chairs were big, comfortable. The music was subtle but different, a little too young for Kaidan’s taste but he didn’t hate it. He was with friends, he thought as he looked around and took a swig from his single beer of the night, and he guessed that Joker was right about that at least. In a way it didn’t matter where you were, but who you were with.

“And then she wakes up from the dream,” Joker was trying not to laugh as he spoke, while everyone else was in stitches, “and she _is_ naked. Seriously, I’m not making this up! I’m not, it’s true!”

“You’re such a liar!” Caroline coughed out through her laughter.

“Would this face lie?” Joker smiled unconvincingly.

“Only to people who don’t know it,” Kaidan said with a grin, dodging to the side with a laugh as Joker threw his coaster at him, “anyway, another round? I’m pretty sure it’s my turn.”

“Yeah you cheapskate,” Caroline grinned, ignoring Kaidan as he shook his head with a smile, “mine’s a cherry brandy.”

“I think I like the sound of that,” Chakwas said with a smile, “make that two.”

The others called out their orders, most of which Kaidan knew he wouldn’t remember and would have to call back for. He couldn’t help but laugh as he walked up to the bar and placed the long order, constantly shouting back to the others for reminders.

“That’ll be forty two credits,” the bar tender said once she had poured the myriad of eclectic drinks, set them out on three trays and rang it all through.

“Damn,” Kaidan said after a whistle, reluctantly handing over his credit chit, “prices have gone up since I was last here.”

“Thanks,” the bartender said as she accepted his card, smiling in as conciliatory a fashion as she could.

As Kaidan waited for everything to go through he heard the telltale chime of his omni-tool. He pulled it up and opened it hurriedly. It’s about time, Kaidan thought as he expected to see a message from Shepard. Instead it was something else, something he wasn’t sure if he’d been expecting or not.

_Kaidan Alenko! Couldn’t you have given me more warning? I only saw you message half an hour ago, I haven’t been paying attention to the comm. today! Your father and I are going to head into town to Bruich’s for dinner, I hope you can come and join us. We’ll be there from about 8ish. We have a reservation so just ask for us, ok?_

_Can’t wait to see you honey,_

_Mom_

Kaidan didn’t realise he’d been spacing out while looking at the message until the bartender had to tap him on the shoulder to return his credit chit. He took it with a quick apology and then distracted himself by ferrying the drinks over to the others. In a way there was a terrible pit of excitement in his stomach as well as regret for sending the message in the first place. He hadn’t seen his mother in months, nearly a year now over the vid-com, and longer than that in person. You have to go, Kaidan said to himself, don’t be selfish about this.

“Hey guys, it’s been great but I have to head,” Kaidan said, trying to sound as casual as possible.

“Aww, you mean you don’t want your drink then?” Caroline winked at him, “Can I have it?”

“Sheesh Caro, way to make the Lieutenant feel wanted,” Fredericks said with a shake of his head.

"Jokes on you Caroline," Kaidan said with a shrug, making the engineer frown "I wasn't having anything else."

“Where you headed Lieutenant?” Joker asked as Kaidan shrugged into his black jacket.

“Uh, dinner, with my parents,” Kaidan said, continuing quickly before Joker could ask any more questions, “look, Shepard hasn’t got back to me yet about meeting up. Could you give him a comm. and let him know where we are?”

“Ok,” Joker said, obviously realising he was being brushed off but not taking offence, “have a good one.”

“Thanks,” he said, swallowing before pasting on a smile, “goodnight.”

He would have called a cab but it wasn’t that far a walk and the last round had made a sufficient enough dent in his wallet to encourage him to walk. The air was chill but not cold, pleasantly so. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and breathed deeply. There was nothing like a proper atmosphere, he thought as he compared the recycled air aboard the _Normandy_ to the air of the city around him. Sure it probably wasn’t as pure at the filtered air on board the ship but there was something about breathing in an atmosphere, the subtle smells that didn’t make sense and yet your body told you were real. Like the cold smell on the air when it was getting close to Christmas, or the subtle shifting smells of the shops and restaurants you passed, the smell of someone’s rose garden as he walked down a side street past a row of townhouses. It was home. Kaidan smiled and tried to psych himself up for dinner.

“Shit!” he said, startled, as his omni-tool once more began ringing; he answered it quickly, thinking it was probably his mom making sure he’d got the message, “Hey, I’m on my way...”

“Alenko?” Kaidan stopped short when Shepard’s voice answered him; he stopped walking before finding the wherewithal to answer.

“Yeah, yeah it’s me,” he said, “what took you?”

“Oh, just had a lot to talk about,” Shepard said evasively, making Kaidan frown as he continued walking, “I’ll tell you later. Where are you?”

“I’m actually on my way to Bruich’s for dinner,” Kaidan said, feeling a little awkward, “but Joker and the others are at a bar not far from the Sky-train, it’s called...”

“Actually I’m starving,” Shepard said, “I’ll join you. Where is Bruich’s?”

“Uh, no, I mean, well,” Kaidan floundered, “it’s just I’m having dinner with my parents, so...”

“Great, you said your dad already loves me,” Shepard sounded overly cheerful to Kaidan but the man was rushing off without him, leaving him no time to try and figure out what was going on, “I’m sure they won’t mind, right?”

“Well, yes he does but that’s...” Kaidan said, looking around him as if this was some sort of set up.

“Great, I’ll find my way there,” Shepard said before hanging up.

He was glad that only a few people were walking in the more secluded area where he had taken his shortcut, so that only a few people could see him gaping like a fish as he looked at his omni-tool and blinked. Fuck. _Fuck_. No, that’s not a good idea. This isn’t a good idea. He shook himself out of his stupor and tried to quickly call Shepard back while rushing towards the restaurant, hoping he could get there and meet Shepard before his parents turned up. No answer. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_! He thought, aggravated. Where in the hell did that come from? Shepard already seemed to have picked up on the fact that Kaidan’s relationship with his parents wasn’t in the best state and yet now he was pulling something like this out of nowhere? Why? Sure he was in an unfamiliar town but the others were just as accessible as he was. Kaidan closed his eyes and waited for the street crossing to change. Why does this have to happen now?

By the time he rushed to the restaurant Shepard was already there. Good, Kaidan thought as he weaved his way through the crowded street, heading for his CO, maybe I can sort this out before it even becomes a thing. Shepard was wearing a heavy green jacket and jeans, making him seem slightly unfamiliar. Kaidan didn’t think he’d ever seen his Commander out of his regulation uniform before. Unless of course he wasn’t wearing _anything_. Best not to think about that right now, Kaidan thought as he hurried.

“Hey, Shepard!” Kaidan called out as he stepped in away from the steady stream of pedestrians; he strode over and took hold of Shepard’s arm when the man didn’t answer. Shepard turned to him and, after a short pause, said one word.

“Kaidan.”

Was it testament to how well Kaidan could read him or how badly Shepard was shielding himself that he could tell something was wrong just from that one word? He looked at Shepard and opened his mouth to speak but wasn’t sure what to say.

“I...” he started, feeling his anger and agitation melt away in the face of worry, “what’s wrong..?”

“Kaidan, honey!” a familiar voice interrupted him, making his agitation jump back into the fore as he looked to his right.

His mom wasted no time in hurrying through the crowd and crushing Kaidan in a hug so tight that would have made him swear she was stronger than he was. All he could see was a snaffle of blonde hair beneath his eyes and the smell of familiar perfume. He couldn’t help but smile, despite the pitching in his gut at the craziness of the situation. He looked up to see his father standing a few feet from him, dressed smartly in a blue suit jacket and shirt with dark trousers and shoes.

“Hey mom,” he said, returning the hug whilst trying to have her let go at the same time, “it’s been a while.”

“A while?” her tone wasn’t livid but there was steel beneath the calm as she pulled back and half-heartedly smacked him on the shoulder, “That’s an understatement young man! But never mind that, let’s get inside, it’s freezing. Oh it’s so good to see you! I can’t believe how long it’s been!”

“Yeah I know, I’m sorry,” Kaidan said with a nod, “Dad, it’s good to see you.”

“Yeah,” it surprised Kaidan to no end when his dad nodded, sounding entirely genuine when he added, “you too son.”

“Shepard,” Kaidan turned to his CO; as soon as he took one look at the man he could see the mask was back up, eyes bright, smile pasted onto his face, “I hope you don’t mind, mom, dad, but this is my CO, Commander Shepard, he’s never been to Earth so I said I’d...”

“Shepard?” he heard his dad say, looking to the man as Kaidan introduced him, “Commander Malcolm Shepard?”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Alenko,” Shepard said, giving his father a smart salute, “and you Mrs. Alenko.”

“Oh, hello,” his mom said quickly, obviously looking a little lost at the sudden turn of events, “just Joyce is fine.”

“It’s an honour, sir,” Kaidan suppressed a sigh as his father returned Shepard’s salute before reaching out to shake the man’s hand, “I didn’t realise that you were commander of the _Normandy_ now. Kaidan, how come you never told me about this?”

“Well, a lot’s happened,” Kaidan said, “come on, let’s get inside before they give our table to someone else.”

Such a simple statement that contained far more than Kaidan could ever hope to understand: _a lot has happened_. It was a container into which he could throw everything he had ever been through. Jump Zero, his questionable days before he joined the military, the Blitz, his career, Shepard, Onterom, Virmire, Shepard, Shepard, _Shepard._ He wasn’t sure where to start and where to end with things, yet there was still an unknown element within it all, enough of an unknown that it made him wonder when he had absorbed Shepard’s life into his.

He held the door open for his mom and dad and then looked up when Shepard didn’t move. Kaidan looked at him, trying to understand what was hiding behind those blue eyes. When he felt a hand grab his arm and squeeze tightly he looked down, realising Shepard was holding onto him as if he were afraid he might fall if he didn’t. By the time he looked back up Shepard had let go and was walking into the restaurant. Kaidan swallowed before he followed his Commander, as he swore he always would.


	3. Under the Sheltering Sky (part 2)

It had been an awkward dinner mainly because Kaidan was unsure how to act around Shepard in his strange mood, or his parents as they tried their best to deal with it, or with them at all considering everything that had happened. Truthfully he had simply wished he hadn’t been there at all, that he could have stood up and left with no consequences. The evening had descended into a malaise of awkward moments and anxious thoughts. The only respite Kaidan felt, guiltily enough, was that he was not the focus of his parent’s polite coughs and odd looks. Shepard was taking all of that upon himself. Of course, even as they left the restaurant out into the now cold night air, he found it difficult to know which problem to deal with first. Considering his long absence, his mixed love and animosity with his parents and his recent altercations with his father, he decided rashly that they took priority.

That didn’t make it any easier to ignore the reason behind his building anxiety. Shepard had been hiding behind his tight smile for the night, seeming happy enough to ignore his own turmoil, whatever that might be. And he wasn’t the only one. It sometimes fascinated Kaidan, watching as peoples’ instincts took over even when it made them do things they clearly did not wish to. He knew it wasn’t uncommon, hell he’d done it himself on multiple occasions. Act first, think later. It didn’t always work and, sometimes, it became entirely detrimental to one’s peace of mind. In this case, however, he was glad that his mother’s dual maternal instinct and need to be a polite hostess kicked her in a direction she clearly would never have gone were the option voluntary. Kaidan was sure he wasn’t the only one who had picked up on Shepard’s subtle hostility.

“Oh, don’t be silly,” she was saying, sounding like she wasn’t quite sure why she was saying it, “we only live five minutes from here. We have two spare rooms. You’re more than welcome to stay.”

“That’s really not necessary,” Shepard said with a polite smile, “the barracks at Alliance HQ will be more than adequate. I have a return for the train anyway.”

“Uh, actually, the Sky-train stops running at eleven thirty, sir,” Kaidan said, unsure of how to act towards Shepard in front of his parents; more importantly his father.

“It does?” Shepard looked genuinely amazed, “Well. It looks like I might have overlooked a few things.”

“I can call you a cab,” Kaidan said quickly, pulling up his omni-tool before his mother could butt in again; he couldn’t think of anything more awkward and, very definitely, a bad idea.

“Don’t be ridiculous, boy,” his father butted in, making Kaidan clamp his mouth shut at the condescending tone he thought he heard there, “you’re both headed back out tomorrow, right? Then it doesn’t matter where you stay. Come on, let’s get you both somewhere to sleep and you can sort it out in the morning.”

“I...” he had started to say, but, oddly enough, Shepard was the one to interrupt.

“Then thank you, Mr. Alenko,” he said with a fake smile firmly in place, “I’ll... take you up on your generous offer.”

“Not at all,” Kaidan’s mother said with a short smile, looking to her husband; Kaidan watched them both move about uncomfortably.

It had turned out to be as much of a bad idea as Kaidan knew it would, but then there was no one there to say I-told-you-so to, so it was all a little underwhelming.

In a way it was perhaps telling that the memory he had of this encounter, even though it was fresh, included none of the details he would normally have stored. No inane details, just visceral feeling. His mother and father’s house was just as he remembered it, subdued and yet not homely. The guest bedroom had been made up for him but he had been ready to sleep on the foldout couch and give his CO the bed.

“And ask him if he needs any nightclothes, I have a spare set of yours in the cupboard,” his mother was saying to him as she bustled into the kitchen while Kaidan drank a cup of water and tried to think of a way out of this ludicrous situation.

“Mom, this isn’t a sleepover for Christ’s sake,” he had said back, mainly because he was on edge.

“Don’t be like that Kaidan,” she replied tightly, “and don’t cuss, it’s hardly...”

“I didn’t swear,” Kaidan said automatically, frowning as he realised how childish he sounded; it always irritated him, how they treated each other. It seemed nothing more than an instant regression for them both, back to the last time they had been happy together, back when he was ten years old and still normal, “I mean...alright. You know this all would have been easier if I could have just called a cab.”

“Well you know how your father is when he gets an idea in his head,” his mother shrugged as she placed a set of sheets on the kitchen table and fidgeted with them.

“It was your idea Mom,” Kaidan shook his head and couldn’t help but smile, placing his empty glass onto the countertop before walking over to her and picking up the sheets, “I’ll make up the couch.”

The hallway was dim and it smelled faintly of boot polish. None of that seemed to matter. He was headed for the living room, with its wall of glass looking over the bay and its array of glittering night time lights. Thinking up something to say to Shepard had been his mind’s task, which was why he perhaps took badly to finding his Commander there in the living room instead of in the bedroom where he had left him.

“Sir,” he said on reflex, “do you need me to get you anything?”

“This was a...” Shepard had been facing away from him, staring out of the ceiling to floor windows, but now he turned and looked at Kaidan with a blankness that seemed entirely out of place, “a mistake. Can you call me a cab, Lieutenant?”

“Of course,” the quickness of his answer belied the urgency of his own need to end this scenario, and yet the problem would not leave him; instead of backing out into the hall to call up the vidphone, he found himself stepping inside and closing the door behind him, “if you’ll tell me what the hell is going on.”

“Another bad idea,” Shepard said so quietly that Kaidan had to strain to hear him, “look, I just need out of here. I don’t even know why I said yes to your dad, I just...”

By this time Kaidan had walked into the room, put the sheets onto the couch and approached Shepard as he rambled on, making awkward hand gestures as he did. It wasn’t clever, he knew that, but then his evening appeared to have been constructed solely of bad ideas. What harm could one more do? So he took hold of Shepard by his upper arms, making the man still himself almost instantaneously and stare back at him, mouth half open as if to form a word that would never be spoken.

“What was it you said to me once?” Kaidan said, “The mental stability of anyone on this ship is my responsibility? Something like that. Well, I’m the only other one here right now, unless you want me to try and find Dr Chakwas for you in whatever bar they’ve probably moved onto now.”

“Trying to tell me I’m unfit for service?” Shepard managed to sound smooth enough but his smile was awkward and tenuous.

“Don’t try and change the subject,” Kaidan said seriously enough that it surprised even him.

Things became rather quiet and suddenly he realised how close they were. Shepard wasn’t speaking, instead staring down at somewhere around Kaidan’s navel as far as he could tell. Although he appeared to be staring right through him. What if your father walked in right now, _right_ now? Kaidan thought. What are you doing? Why are you even doing this? What on earth do you think is going to..?

“After I...look, I just...” Shepard stopped and started like a garbled message, pulling away from Kaidan’s hold and placing his hands loosely on his hips, “I was planning to go and visit the infirmary once the Fifth Fleet had docked but Admiral Hackett informed me that Corporal Toombs is dead.”

It had been the last thing he had expected to hear. Perhaps that was why it took him so long to respond. Shepard was left standing in the unfamiliar space around him, looking at nothing while seeming entirely unsure about how to act. Just as Shepard opened his mouth Kaidan seemed to jump-start into the conversation and rushed out:

“What happened? Was it anything to do with Cerberus?”

Shepard stared at him for a moment, eyes scrutinising. Then he closed his mouth and shook his head. Kaidan felt like an idiot for not being more careful with his words.

“No, he killed himself,” Shepard said, making Kaidan feel a little ill; Shepard was not forthcoming with any more information, which only made things appear worse.

Why the hell didn’t you tell me this earlier? Kaidan wanted to shout, I could have...I would have done something! What would you have done? He instantly questioned. Then he realised how stupid it was to stand there and question yourself about something you couldn’t change while in a situation you were both desperate to get out of.

“I’ll go call that cab,” he managed to say, “I think we should...yeah, we’ll both...I’ll just be a minute.”

* * *

 

Looking up at the stars was an odd sensation. He wasn’t sure why entirely. Maybe it threw his perspective a little looking up and seeing the familiar star systems floating there, as opposed to staring out at the darkness from the _Normandy’s_ few view windows, or being faced with alien systems on alien worlds. Kaidan didn’t know nor did he truly care. After the night he’d had, he was almost glad that he was in a job that practically forced him to be away from home. However, considering he was now in a reckless and foolish, yet entirely enjoyable, relationship with his commanding officer, he had only himself to blame for bringing the problem to his work, so to speak.

Truthfully, after the conversation he’d had with Shepard a short while before, all Kaidan could think about was that he had never truly known how to handle death. He felt selfish thinking it, considering, but then it was the only way he could try and deal with his situation right then. He had known Ashley Williams for a grand total of a few weeks before she was gone, erased other than in the memories of those who knew her. Kaidan knew he hadn’t handled it well, or he assumed he hadn’t. He had tried his best to remember her whilst simultaneously ignoring her existence, something he was quite sure could never work.

If he thought hard enough, as he stared up at the sky as he leaned against the cargo container at his back, the cold chill of the metal seeping through his jacket and his shirt and into his skin, his breath creating an intermittent fogging cloud before his eyes, he thought he could recall his grandfather’s death. Not from being at the event, more that he could remember vague scenes of his mother crying silently in a chair at the far end of the living room of a house he didn’t recognise. It was a long room with wide windows at the far end, the arm chairs were large and dowdy, the walls were an off cream and the lights were low. He was sure that through the door opposite him he could recall a kitchenette where his father was sitting with a group of people, their murmuring voices leaking out into the otherwise silent living room.

It struck him that he could remember the colour of the paint and yet had no conception of how the event had affected him emotionally. Admittedly he had been young, maybe eight, nine, he wasn’t sure. Still, it was something he had never been sure how to handle. Losing people, as Shepard liked to put it, made him want to turn away and look in another direction. Anything but understand what death truly meant, perhaps? Or perhaps it was simply easier to remember when the people he cared about were alive and ignore the consequences. The thought made him feel a little ashamed of himself. Even more so when he realised that his lack of ability to understand or even acknowledge death made him entirely unqualified to deal with the situation he was now in.

“When did you find out?” Kaidan asked after another few moments of nothing but the wind rushing over the water as the stars danced as pinpricks in the bay.

“Not long after we landed,” Shepard said, stopping his slow walk along the edge of the docks in order to join Kaidan in his position against the crate, “the Admiral certainly had ulterior motives to greeting us.”

“You can say that again,” Kaidan mumbled, thinking that perhaps making Admiral Hackett a scapegoat would be a sensible thing to do, “you’d think he could have radioed ahead at least, given you some sort of warning.”

“I don’t know,” Shepard said softly, rubbing his face tiredly with his right hand and taking a deep breath, “they found him yesterday about five pm Earth-standard time. In truth I don’t think it...would have made much difference.”

Waiting for more only made Kaidan realise that Shepard seeking him out after being informed of this disturbing news was going to be the only obvious manifestation of his plea for help. It only made Kaidan feel worse that he had no idea how to handle him, no idea how to tackle the situation. It seemed ironic to him that he did have experience with informing people of their loved one’s passing, he’d done the same for Ash for crying out loud but...it became more difficult when it was the reverse. Trying to deal with someone you loved as they in turn dealt with the loss of someone you barely knew. Kaidan pushed away from the crate and patted Shepard on the arm, nodding his head towards the empty plaza beside the river, its paving stones and granite buildings seeming eerie in the empty night. It hadn’t exactly been a planned destination, more somewhere that Kaidan’s feet had taken him on autopilot after leaving his parent’s house. Muscle memory of fights long past, leading him back to his usual haunt where the memories themselves were not exactly comforting. Which didn’t exactly help him in being a good and selfless listener.

“You didn’t tell me what your parents said,” Shepard finally said as they walked, “I mean you didn’t seem in the best of moods when you came out of the house.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said with a finality that matched his tightly marching footsteps.

“...That good, huh?” Shepard said offhandedly after a knowing pause.

 Truthfully he hadn’t expected it to go down well, especially considering his odd behaviour that night. When dealing with his parents Kaidan found that any small inconvenience or misunderstanding could be expanded exponentially to begin a spectacular fight about non-related hang-ups and past unresolved issues. Kaidan was always sure that the fact his mother majored in psychology made this entirely ironic, considering her contributions generally made the arguments worse.

_“He’s your CO, not your bloody ward! He can take care of himself, unlike you seem to be able to do with this family!”_

Classic dad, Kaidan thought sourly, shoving his hands into his pockets in order to ignore the chill. Other things had been said, most of which he would be quite happy to forget, mainly from his side. One of the worst things about fighting with his parents, he found, was that it turned him into an arsehole. It was always a litany of regret, looking back on his conduct during a fight. Especially upsetting his mother. Her tears had been the final straw before he stormed from the house, feeling like the rebellious and disturbed teenager he’d been trying to escape from for the past decade and a half. In a way all he wanted, all he craved, was the normal, serene family life that other people he knew seemed to have. It was an idealistic and flawed view and he knew that; the serene and normal family life was a fantasy to begin with, as rare an occurrence as a Salarian with a sense of humour. Yet the more he wished for it, the more he tried his best to envision the life he felt in some way he had lost, the more he pushed it away. The more he feared that if he tried for the fantasy and found that it could not be achieved, that he would be left with nothing but what he had, nothing but the broken pieces that didn’t quite fit back together as they should.

“Yeah, that good,” Kaidan finally replied to Shepard as he turned right up a set of stairs leading to an alleyway between two familiar buildings, Shepard following him without missing a beat.

He wanted to ask more, about Toombs that was, but Kaidan was sure he already understood when Shepard had closed something down. He would answer questions, sure, but the answers themselves were vague and Shepard was incredibly quick to turn the conversation back towards Kaidan and his problems. After a half hour of aimless walking and failed attempts to get his CO to open up about what was obviously troubling him, or obvious to Kaidan anyhow, he decided that a destination was necessary. Even if it was somewhere he would rather forget.

“Is more drink really a good idea?” Shepard said in an unappreciated superior tone as he stared at the bar Kaidan had led them to, “I think I had enough wine at dinner just to stay sane.”

“Then you can certainly hold your drink Commander,” Kaidan said as he half opened the door to the dingy bar, looking back at Shepard as the sound of low music seeped out into the still air, “because you don’t seem to have had enough to overcome your crippling fear of honesty.”

A sour silence followed, one which Kaidan was more than aware he had created for himself. Yeah, turning back into the eighteen year old shithead, who would have quite happily drunk this bar dry in order to avoid his own problems, is _really_ helping right now, Kaidan thought derisively. Yet, looking at Shepard’s tight lips and blank stare, he couldn’t conjure up a tactful and believable way to apologise. The man has just lost his friend, he thought, a friend he’s lived with the guilt of leaving for dead all these years and all I can do is insult him? Maybe dad was right after all, perhaps when it comes down to it I really am just a selfish jerk; he won’t open up to you so you shut him out as retaliation huh? Nice Kaidan, real nice. With that happy conclusion Kaidan walked into the bar with Shepard, surprisingly, following him. Or, when Kaidan thought about it, perhaps not so much; being in a city he didn’t know on a planet he’d never visited at half eleven at night, Shepard was pretty much stuck with Kaidan whether he liked it or not.

Kaidan wasn’t sure whether it was surprising or not that the bar, aptly named The Lane, didn’t seem to have changed at all since he’d last been there, which was at least six years ago if not more. The same grungy, red walls, the same sticky floor, the same outdated inbuilt holo-tables for playing poker in the back room, low ceiling, low lighting, low music and even the same familiar man behind the bar. Wow, how many bad decisions has this been in one night? Kaidan thought as the tacky nostalgia crept back up to coil around his spine. Even with that question running through his head he continued to walk into the establishment. In truth he’d known it as a bad idea as soon as he’d begun heading for The Lane but he’d done it anyway. Old habits die hard, he thought, no matter how much you try to kill them.

“I’ll have a double whiskey, neat,” Shepard said to the bartender as he took a seat at the lacquered wooden bar; the bartender gave Shepard a scrutinising look until he spared a glance for his companion. Kaidan tried not to wince as the man’s eyes widened with recognition and what seemed to be surprise.

“Well, well, well,” the man smiled, or more appropriately grinned, revealing three platinum teeth to match his shoulder length dark grey hair; he pulled out a glass from under the bar and began pouring Shepard’s order, “the paragon returns, huh? Shit, I guess I owe Steve three hundred credits.”

“Lemme guess,” Kaidan sighed as he reluctantly sat next to Shepard who was now frowning concernedly at Kaidan, “wager was for me never showing up here again, Joe?”

“No,” Joe laughed as he walked out from behind the bar and continued over to the tables, only two of which were occupied, in order to pick up stray glasses, “it was that you’d never have the guts to show up here again.”

“Right,” Kaidan said with a forced smile, “of course.”

Thankfully, as far as he was concerned, he didn’t recognise the two women at the far end of the room talking quickly and quietly over a small lamp, or the large, darkly clothed man seated by the door who was busy checking through holo-pages on his rigged omni-tool. Kaidan was glad for small mercies at least. The last thing he needed was more people from his past rising up to greet him.

“That sounds like it has some explaining behind it,” Shepard said without missing a beat, nursing his whisky in his hands as Kaidan turned back around in his chair to face the bar.

“It’s not important, Sir,” Kaidan tried his best to field off the inevitable questions but knew he wasn’t doing a good job of it as soon as Shepard continued.

“That’s horseshit, and stop with the ‘sir’ crap,” his CO said, his eyes hard even as his smile was shark-like; Kaidan watched him apprehensively as Shepard took a large sip of his drink and breathed steadily through his nose, “you must have come here for a reason.”

“I just wanted to get us off the street and somewhere warm,” Kaidan lied, shaking his head as Joe returned to the bar and asked him what he wanted.

“Give him the same,” Shepard told the bartender, raising his own glass.

“No, that’s not a good idea,” Kaidan said strongly, “I don’t need anything.”

“Ha, never thought I’d hear that from _you_ ,” Joe said, shrugging, “you know I thought I’d lost my cash cow when you went off-planet.”

“I bet you thought a lot of things,” Kaidan snapped back automatically, “like you having a successful business and a life.”

“Jees, still an asshole I see,” Joe replied acidly, shaking his head and shuffling to the other end of the bar, throwing a towel over his shoulder as he went, “some things never change I guess.”

The silence lingered, not as a pure silence but more as an awkward lack of speech between them. Shepard took two more long sips of his drink before Kaidan finally broke it.

“So, considering we’re being so open,” Kaidan sighed, knowing it was a truly awful idea and yet doing it anyway, “are you going to tell me about Akuze?”

“Why won’t you have a drink?” Shepard asked instead, completely ignoring him, “You weren’t adverse to drinking my private stash on the ship. So what’s the problem now?”

“Sorry, you seem to be under the misconception that we were talking about me,” Kaidan said sarcastically.

“But now that I think about it I’ve never seen you drink much other than that,” Shepard was talking more to himself than Kaidan at this point, making Kaidan feel slightly panicky, “not on ship or on shore leave. Not _really_.”

“This really isn’t relevant, Shepard,” Kaidan said tightly.

“Yet you have a beer with Joker sometimes, but never more than one, one just to blend in huh?” Shepard said with a nod of his head as if he finally got it, “I’m guessing you didn’t put recovering alcoholic on your Alliance application form, eh Lieutenant?”

It was easy to fall into this, Kaidan thought as he bristled, this hidden animosity. They were both riled up, he knew that, from their continued secrecy, the strain between them, the recent tragedies and their inability to deal with them along with everything they had been through together. Kaidan wouldn’t lie and say that it didn’t prey on his mind that their relationship would be purely fleeting, but this sort of hostility seemed more defensive on Shepard’s part than truthful. So, in a rare moment of sobriety, Kaidan decided to stop being conceited for a moment and step back from the situation. Looking at it from a distance only made it all the more pitiable. He leaned his elbows against the bar and sighed.

“Nope,” he said simply, interlacing his fingers just to give them something to do, “it didn’t seem very a very practical option for the ‘other’ section of medical history at the time.”

It was a surprise, genuinely, when Shepard started laughing. Kaidan looked at him quizzically even as the scenario only made him more jumpy. It was rare to see Shepard laugh, rarer than Kaidan would have liked, especially when it was genuine laughter. It wasn’t loud or raucous, just a subdued chuckle which made his eyes crease and his shoulders shake slightly.

“There you go again,” Shepard said, taking another drink, “you know you’re only inappropriate when I’m around, aren’t you. Maybe I’m a bad influence.”

“Maybe,” Kaidan shrugged, feeling as if he had little to no control over the situation but unwilling to turn it into a shouting match or, at worst, a fist fight, “or maybe we’re just good for each other.”

“How do you figure that?” Shepard asked; yet despite his obvious disbelief, when Kaidan looked to Shepard there was a look on his CO’s face that he recognised. The subtle desperation that he was sure Shepard never knew he was exposing.

“Are you asking me for an ego boost here Commander?” Kaidan only half joked.

“No,” Shepard said quietly, taking another drink, “I’m asking you for an easy way to apologise without coming off as a complete and utter jerk. So, if you can just tell me why, oh why, we’re so good together then I can say that I’m sorry for being an insensitive prick.”

It was stupid sometimes, Kaidan thought, the way things fell out in the end. Anger made way for sadness made way for laughter made way for anger made way for laughter, and on it went. Kaidan was beginning to understand why his fantasy of a serene life with his parents was an impossibility even before he started trying; his life was a constantly changing and shifting journey, up and down and over and under, just like everyone else’s lives were. He’d been so angry only moments ago and yet now the situation had taken a one hundred and eighty round to just about what he would have wanted. Despite all of the foolish choices that had brought them there, the unresolved issues and the underlying tension, he couldn’t have been happier.

“No need,” Kaidan smiled a small but very happy smile, “for one you just have and, for two, I think I deserved it. Sorry, I was just...”

“Don’t,” Shepard waved his apology away with a grimace, “it’ll just rub in how much of a prat I was being.”

“Hardly,” Kaidan said; he waited a few moments he looked to his hands and decided it was safe, and perhaps prudent, to say something about the issue they were skirting around, “I’m sorry about Toombs, Mal.”

“...Yeah,” Shepard downed the last of his whiskey and put the glass down with a soft clink, “so am I.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, knowing what answer he would get.

“Not really,” Shepard said, “I’d rather just sit here with you for a while if that’s alright.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, leaning against the chipped wood of the bar and realising that the bad memories surrounding him didn’t seem quite as potent when he could make newer, happier ones to replace them, “that’s alright.”

* * *

 

Overall it seemed like both far too short and far too long a time to be on Earth, for more reasons than one. In the two days between the _Normandy’s_ arrival in the Sol system and the Fifth Fleet falling into orbit around the blue planet, enough happened to make Kaidan Alenko both loathe the sight of his home and yet sorely miss it as soon as the shuttlecraft transporting them back to the ship left the atmosphere.

Yet family problems, Shepard’s ineluctable hangover, bad humour and continued taciturn mood swings, plus Joker’s unsubtle jokes about their prolonged absence together the night before aside, in the end it was a far greater surprise that trumped them all. At 1500 hours on the day the Fifth Fleet was due to arrive, as the crew reassembled for pick up in order to begin the long process of rendezvousing back onboard the _Normandy_ , Kaidan Alenko received a summons to the last place he would have expected.

“At ease, Lieutenant,” Admiral Hackett said with a professional smile when Kaidan entered, all salutes and straight backed, “take a seat son.”

He hadn’t had the chance to speak with Shepard before leaving to find the Admiral’s office, or even Joker or Liara, anyone he would have appreciated the input of. Why was he being summoned, seemingly alone, what for, why now, why not yesterday, why..? The questions ran silent circles around in his head as he sat carefully down in the lone chair before the Admiral’s neat, tidy and surely temporary desk. The grey haired man leaned forwards and clasped his hands upon the desk’s shining surface; Kaidan felt the need to shift backwards in his chair.

“No need to be alarmed, Lieutenant Alenko,” the Admiral kept his unassuming smile firmly in place, which did not put Kaidan at ease, “there are simply a few things I would like to clear up with you before we all head out to Omega.”

Kaidan was both unsure whether it was wise to reply and unwilling to chance it. Instead he gave a vague nod to show he had heard and understood. There were far too many issues which the Admiral could be here to court martial him for and sitting in here on his own was suitably nerve wracking. What if he’d been discovered, what if he and Shepard hadn’t been careful enough, what if this was about the Cipher in his head or, dear god, what if this was about Onterom..?

“I’ve been reviewing the files of the _Normandy’s_ crew roster,” Hackett continued as Kaidan tried to get his runaway thoughts under control and stay calm in the face of the unknown, “after the incident with Saren and the coup on the Citadel, well, let’s just say that I don’t give out praise lightly. Commander Shepard’s ground team, including yourself and the two inducted civilians Liara T’Soni and Tali’Zorah nar Rayya, were indispensible in this war effort. Without you I believe that the outcome of that battle would have been gravely different. Considering,” the Admiral ceased staring at Kaidan sombrely and looked down at a data-pad on his desk, flicking through it as he continued to talk, “that your placement aboard the _Normandy_ was very much deserved – you have a long list of commendations here Lieutenant and your dedication and ambition have seen you well on your way – I would like to offer you another chance to further your career.”

To say that this had been the last thing he’d expected to hear would be an understatement. Kaidan swallowed and waited.

“I expect you have heard of the Fifth Fleet’s flagship, the SSV Orizaba,” the Admiral continued, not waiting for Kaidan’s acknowledgement, “suffice to say that a position will be opening up which I think would perfectly suit an up and coming officer like yourself. I would like you to consider this position with great care, Lieutenant,” the smile was still there, and still disconcerting, “you have three days to think it through but understand that you’re not the only candidate. I'll have the details sent through to your personal line."”

“I understand, Sir,” Kaidan replied, managing to muddle his way past the shock and remain as professional as he could.

“That’ll be all, Lieutenant,” the Admiral said, making Kaidan sit involuntarily straight in his chair; Hackett added with a subtle sarcasm, “unless you have anything _else_ to say.”

It was as Kaidan stood and walked to the door, feeling somewhat lost in the situation, that he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind.

“I’d like to offer my congratulations, Sir,” Kaidan said, making the Admiral look at him with interest, “on the Fifth Fleet being awarded the Palladium Star, and yourself Admiral on your promotion. It's a great honour, Sir, to be considered for a position among the Fifth.”

“That’s kind of you to say, son,” the Admiral’s smile had returned, although seemed slightly more genuine than before, “I look forward to working with you. Although I expect I’ll be seeing you at Commander Shepard’s hearing in three weeks time.”

“...Sir?” Kaidan hated that he not only floundered but also knew his shock was surely visible this time.

“You’ve been served to appear, Lieutenant,” the Admiral said, his brow creased in a small frown, “I would have expected your superior to inform you. As I understand it you will have received a summons to your personal data-log. I expect all the information is there.”

“Of course, Sir,” Kaidan replied, managing somehow to suppress the myriad of eclectic feelings churning through his mind like a lawnmower; he saluted sharply and the Admiral returned the gesture.

“Dismissed, Lieutenant,” were the Admiral's last words as Kaidan exited the clean, tidy, impersonal office feeling as if he had been put sufficiently through the wringer, as his mother liked to say.

* * *

 

It was difficult to be mad at Shepard, considering everything they had worked through, or Kaidan _assumed_ they had worked through, the night before. He felt that maybe a little progress towards accepting what they had and being happy with it had been nothing if not, well, progress for the sake of progress.

Unfortunately the Admiral’s revelations, both of them, had pretty much blown Kaidan’s serenity out of the water.

“You didn’t think it was worth bringing up?” Kaidan said in as angry a tone as he could muster whilst remaining quiet enough to be subtle as Shepard oversaw the loading of the, once again, new Mako (Kaidan was sure that writing up the damage report on the last one must have been entertaining if nothing else) from the vantage point of the upstairs engine room corridor, “I don’t think it was meant to be a surprise!”

“I guess I didn’t think it would be that easy to forget,” Shepard said with a hint of very much unappreciated facetiousness.

“Put out of my mind is maybe more accurate,” Kaidan said, unable to sound calm; being able to forget the Onterom incident was wishful thinking on his part. He turned sharply in agitation and observed Shepard's seeming calm, “shit. Why couldn’t you have warned me about this? I don’t think Hackett was exactly pleased when I looked like a deer caught in the damn headlights.”

“I didn’t exactly have my mind on the details last night, if you remember,” Shepard returned soberly.

“This is a mess,” Kaidan opted for ignoring Shepard’s loaded statement, unable to deal with his CO trying to use sympathy as a defence when he wouldn’t even open up about it; Kaidan rubbed his face with his right hand, his left planted on his hip, “so the date is set?”

“Three weeks from now,” Shepard nodded, “with an extension if the investigation into Toombs’ death takes any longer, which I’m guessing it won’t. I think the only reason they’re giving me three weeks at all is because they’re more worried about a media fanfare if they were to delay the trip out to Omega. I mean...I suppose it’s a big deal if their poster boy for the human war effort is a convicted murderer.”

Again the facetiousness was not appreciated, and this time Kaidan wasn’t even sure if Shepard was being facetious at all. Perhaps it was more truthful than normal, only Kaidan was finding it a little hard to concentrate on the subtleties of Shepard’s conversation in light of the sudden, heavy weight around his shoulders.

“Right,” Kaidan said to no one in particular, “okay.”

There’s always something, isn’t there, he tried to joke. It failed. Shepard did not look fazed by this scenario, a rather off-putting reaction as far as Kaidan was concerned. He wasn’t sure whether or not it was entirely right to drop the next bombshell and, if he were being truthful, he knew there was an element of vindictiveness to it that he wished he wasn’t capable of.

“He offered me a post on the Orizaba,” Kaidan said, followed by a soft sigh as he leaned against the rail beside his CO; Kaidan had noted the tightening of Shepard’s eyes and his fingers around the railing, only slight but noticeable if you knew what to look for.

“The Fifth Fleet, huh?” Shepard said after a moment’s pause, “a chance like that would be a big deal for a career man.”

Shepard’s slight was either entirely unsubtle or simply wasn’t the insult Kaidan took it for. He decided to be an adult and ignore it either way.

“I’d heard that there’s been a mass reshuffling of staff due to the reshaping of the Fifth Fleet after the Citadel effort, but I didn’t know the Admiral would be personally selecting people,” Kaidan said neutrally, “considering he’s being moved up to the head of the Alliance Navy.”

“I see,” Shepard said as he let go of the railing before him and stood back, his hands loosely at his sides.

“I _see_? What’s that supposed to mean?” Kaidan asked, looking up and down the corridor to make sure no one was there before continuing, “Because if that’s some sort of rash conclusion that I’m going to just up and jump ship at the first good offer I get then, I have to say, I’m pretty damn insulted Mal.”

“And you’d be a fool to overlook it,” Shepard shot back, folding his arms and staring harshly at his subordinate, “what, you’re going to play around on warships for the rest of your life, being flung to any end of the galaxy the Alliance decides to fling you to? Instead of working towards the position you should have, something fitting? Don’t you always tell me that biotics are set to whizz up the career path?”

“I’m sorry, are you trying to complement me or insult me further?” Kaidan shook his head, “I really can’t tell.”

“I’m trying to...I’m not trying to do either,” Shepard said, shaking his head and looking terse, “I just don’t want you to pass up a good opportunity because of reasons that shouldn’t factor into it.”

“Reasons?” Kaidan asked, watching Shepard closely.

“You know what reasons Kaidan,” Shepard said candidly, looking at him openly, “and I know you might think I’m a hypocrite for saying it but I don’t want you to let any reasons stop you getting on with your life. I'm not open to that sort of responsibility. You understand me, Lieutenant?”

It was with an entirely different mindset than when he had answered the Admiral only hours before that Kaidan Alenko gave the same answer. In truth he wasn't entirely sure what to think anymore.

“I understand, Sir,” he said.


	4. Enigmatic Symmetry

“It’s like, well, I don’t know how to put it on common ground. It’s like...stepping into a story. Something you were told when you were young, that stuck with you as you grew up and all you could imagine was being there in that story, living out the adventures of the characters who you loved and cherished. Only now it’s real, it’s tangible, and every time you find something, no matter how small, it speaks to you in the same way as you always believed the stories did, those characters did. Each piece a fragment of a whole past just waiting to be discovered, with a whole story of its own to tell.”

It was easy to see the passion there, as Liara stood by the CIC, staring at the holo-map of the galaxy with a thousand yard stare. Kaidan was sure that if he got her started on Prothean history he would never get her to stop but, in a way, he thought he wouldn’t mind that so much. Also considering he was living with Prothean software downloaded into his own brain, sometimes he thought it would be wise to learn more about the people who had made it than just the rudimentary basics.

“Am I making any sense?” Liara said a moment later, her face shifting from dreamy wonder to anxious inquisitiveness as she stared at Kaidan, “I probably didn’t, did I. I tend to ramble, when I get excited about things, and this trip, well, I’m glad just to be able to stay aboard and...”

Kaidan smiled. There was something comforting in the fact that, since they had met, Liara had both changed and yet simultaneously stayed the same. He couldn’t have imagined her opening up to any of them, talking about something so personal, even just a few weeks ago. Yet now, as they stood together, heading out once more into the unknown, it felt as if they weren’t simply co-workers anymore. More comrades. He was glad that some relationships he had were still uncomplicated.

“Yeah, it makes perfect sense,” he said nodding, moving slightly in order to let someone pass, “I mean, it can’t not. My dad used to tell me stories all the time when I was little, about the Alliance, about flying off into space. I’m pretty sure he embellished most of them and that half of them maybe aren’t even true at all. But that’s what makes it special, right? Finding it out for yourself?”

“Exactly,” Liara agreed, turning to face him, the fire back in her eyes, “and then you see so many new things through your own eyes, everywhere you look there’s knowledge trying to speak to you. When I visited the Prothean dig on Therum it wasn’t the first I’d ever been to but it was the first I’d headed on my own. Being there amongst all the rubble, with the ancient structures straining to be seen underneath! Oh, it was so invigorating!”

“Until you got caught in the anti-grav forcefield,” Kaidan couldn’t help but add, smiling as he did so.

“Oh, well, yes,” Liara said with a nervous laugh; Kaidan was sure that if Asari could blush then Liara would have been scarlet, “that did put a damper on the whole, umm, exciting adventure part.”

“I was only kidding,” Kaidan said, shaking his head, “it’s nice to see someone passionate about their work for once. Most of the people I’ve come across outside of the military are bureaucrats or politicians. Other than the people I work with most of them seem fairly banal, give or take a few exceptions.”

“I suppose it’s something I never even really thought about,” Liara shrugged, “I’ve always been inquisitive. I can’t imagine living a life in which I didn’t ask questions. Hmm, perhaps that makes me sound like a bit of a nuisance. I hope not.”

“It makes you sound intelligent,” Kaidan reassured her, “and I guess everyone starts off that way, until your job or your life drills it out of you. Still, I can’t see how anyone couldn’t get excited about this.”

They returned their eyes to the galaxy map and watched it steadily, the swathes of gases and star systems, multifarious planets and burning stars, all leading them towards a thing so ancient and shrouded in mystery that Kaidan was amazed he was going anywhere near it.

“Just like a fairytale,” he said to himself as the ship continued to run seamlessly all around him.

* * *

 

It perhaps wasn’t much of a deterrent against his taking the career opportunity offered by the Admiral, boarding the _Orizaba_ so as to join the recon crews, considering the sheer scale of the ship and the size of its operation was incredibly impressive. Kaidan had never served aboard a Dreadnought class ship before, heck, when he thought about it he’d never even _been_ on a Dreadnought before. It was a long haul expedition they were kitting out for and, all in all, they would be off-ship for an estimated nineteen hours; it was both exhilarating and slightly nerve wracking. He stuck close to Liara and Adams, who had also been selected from the multitude of applicants given to the Admiral before they had reached Omega, and the three all stood to attention in the incredibly long cargo hold filled with shuttlecraft, interceptor class fighters, constantly moving crew members and engineers, and forty seven other people he didn’t know who, he assumed, were either already members of the Fifth or had been brought with them specially for just this purpose.

“This mission is purely for reconnaissance purposes,” Admiral Hackett seemed far sterner in practice than he did in their short meeting on Earth, “you will not touch anything and you will not interfere with anything unless it impedes your progress to advance. In such a case you will communicate with Doctor Hartman, the resident theoretical mass field physicist from our own Sol research team,” Kaidan looked to the left of the Admiral to find a tall, lanky man with short, jet black hair and a sour expression, “who will talk you through any problems you might have making mechanical access-ways function and doors open. He will also be here to tell you what _not_ to touch. You will follow his word to the letter.”

The talk continued as such until Kaidan felt that the next warning would be not to touch the floor too much during their reconnaissance, if humanly possible. Yet he refused to let the regulations curb his excitement. Everything was looking up, if that were possible, everything was progressing forwards which could only be positive. They were here, ready to start unravelling a millennia old puzzle which could, in turn, secure the fate of every race in the galaxy. Kaidan looked at the people surrounding him with his eyes alone, marvelling at how few of them probably understood the weight of the threat that hung over them every day of their lives. Maybe they’ve got the easier job, he thought wryly.

“Too late,” came a whisper suddenly from behind him, making him start badly, “no escape.”

Kaidan turned sharply but found no one behind him. He stared at the stretch of cargo bay for a few seconds before shaking his head and turning back to face the front. When Liara touched his arm he visibly flinched, forcing himself to calm down when he realised just how jumpy he was being.

“Are you alright?” she asked quietly, “You look pale.”

“I’m fine,” he lied, “just nerves I’m sure. Did you say something, just there?”

“No,” she shook her head, looking a little confused.

“Right,” Kaidan said, before shaking off the odd feeling and trying his best to pay attention to the admiral, “of course.”

* * *

 

Two hours in and he thought he could hear the sound of metal creaking again, something soft and comforting, but once again it slipped away. It had been doing that for a while now, ever since they had passed from the outer pathways to the inner control rooms of the Relay. Even saying that made it sound far less impressive a traverse than it really had been, considering it had taken an hour and a half, plus seven calls to Hartman and his team to figure out what they could and couldn’t activate, just to get to where they were now. Yet when he thought that he could hear the sound it would only drive home the fact that he couldn’t hear anything out with his environment suit except over his comm, which would once more make him a little jumpy. The vast chambers seemed ancient and deserted; even through the constrained view of his helmet’s visor, the sight was still rather awe inspiring.

“Like stepping into the past, eh Lieutenant?” Adam’s voice came through loud and clear over the comm link, making Kaidan nod vaguely even as he looked around him.

“Yeah,” he said, a little understated but all he could really muster; he wished that Liara had come with them, her in depth explanations would have served to calm him down, but she had been paired up with a fellow scientist, leaving he and Adams to venture out alone.

The Omega 4 relay was unlike anything he’d ever seen before. Not that he’d had the chance to ever board a Mass Relay before, despite always being desperately interested in what made them tick; so being able to step inside the most enigmatic of relays for his first time was rather breathtaking. The docking room was akin to a long, low room built of a reflective grey metal which seemed to catch any light and bounce it around erratically. The metal itself was fairly plain except for subtle engravings and very conservative and yet elegant shapes, the angles of the walls and the odd geometric shapes they took only lent themselves to the alien nature of where they stood. As did the odd sensation of power within the walls. Kaidan reached out and touched his gloved fingers against the metal, watching as the light from his helmet played across the metallic surface and seemed to trickle out into the subtle patterns there.

Everything appeared to hum with an inner energy, as if they hadn’t walked onto a space station which was itself filled with machines, but instead walked onto a vast, singular machine parading as a space station. The more they walked inside, flashlights flickering and rebounding, barely speaking other than to relay specific information or give directions, the more bizarre the structure appeared to become.

“This place just gets bigger and bigger, doesn’t it?” Kaidan turned to his left in order to look at Adams as he talked, despite listening to him through his comm, while they continued through a few more rooms, all vaguely similar and yet somehow unique, “there must be miles of walkways in here, connecting everything like wires.”

They walked through the doorway in front of them, stuck open like a remnant trapped in time, only to be faced with a vast darkness. It was disorienting, considering they had been walking for about an hour through fairly small, low ceilinged rooms, to suddenly be faced with a void. The unknown stared at them and they stared back, as if unsure what to say. As Kaidan and Adams walked out onto what appeared to be a wide walkway rimmed by a railing, their small light sources echoed out into the abyssal dark and created an effect that took Kaidan’s breath away.

A vast chamber slunk away into the darkness before their eyes, cavernous and yet small in comparative size to the whole of the Relay itself. Their lights seemed to bounce erratically from one surface to the other, creating a glittering effect, shooting out and cascading around until the unseen surfaces in the darkness lit up in a quiet fireworks display of sparkling surfaces. Huge pillar-like tubes, hundreds of walkways in a seeming chaotic and yet surely regulated mess, thousands of bulb-like structures ringing the pillars like brussel sprouts on the stalk, and, at the centre, what appeared to be the outline of a huge bowl shaped device. When Kaidan looked up a mirroring bowl could just be made out in the absolute shadow above them. It was a while before either of them spoke.

“I’ve only ever seen pictures before,” Kaidan said, feeling as elated and yet reverent all at once; he felt as if he should be whispering and yet was too embarrassed to do so, “but this is something else. I mean...wow. Is that where the field is created? Do you really think there’s any way to activate it from this end?”

“Who knows,” Adams shrugged, “I’m just an astro-engineer. I specialised in eezo drives, not theoretical mass field generators. Especially long abandoned ones like this.”

“Good thing we’re not here to repair it then,” Kaidan tried to joke, even as he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sight before him in order to smile.

“You can say that again,” Adams said, breaking the majesty for Kaidan as he tried to imagine taking days just to wander around this vast hulk, exploring; Kaidan turned to him, “Lieutenant, it’s 0142 hours.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said, finding it amazing that they’d managed to burn so much of their time just reaching this point, “we better head back. Rendezvous is at 0300. If we’re late they’ll think we got lost in this labyrinth.”

* * *

 

Out of the twenty five teams sent in at separate points onto the Omega 4 relay, only one had anything truly significant to report on their return. Kaidan had been jealous to hear that Sigma team had encountered what, to all intents and purposes, appeared to be a creature of the same form and intent as the Keepers who lived and worked on the Citadel. According to them it had ignored them just as any Keeper he had encountered did on a routine basis and, when they left it, it had appeared to be repairing some sort of mechanical device behind a panel on one of the seamless walls. Admittedly Kaidan did think that even with twenty five pairs of people as recon, the Relay was still so vast that they could take weeks to explore it and, especially without power, find nothing of interest except that. That they had found anything at all was quite an accomplishment. Thankfully Admiral Hackett had seen it as progress and had signed them up for further runs into the hulking machine, hoping for more information to come forward. Kaidan spent the entire shuttle journey back to the _Normandy_ sat beside Liara talking about what they had seen while he caught Adams, every now and then, looking to them and smiling with a shake of his head. Despite being off ship for about nineteen hours in total, Kaidan would have sworn he couldn’t even feel the fatigue, what with his brain working overtime; his muscles were sore and he felt a little light headed but he chalked it up to the experience more than his lack of sleep.

Unfortunately, on his return, he wasn’t allowed to remain inside his bubble of exhilaration and possibility for very long. Only half an hour into his shift running ship detail he found himself ensnared in a very much unwanted conversation with their resident Turian.

“So that’s your plan?” Garrus looked at him in the worst way he could have: with the cold disdain only a Turian could pull off, making you feel as if you were some small, absurd rodent they had come across in their shoe, “You’ll just tell them the truth, out of context, and hope it all works out for the best?”

“I don’t think it’s exactly a good idea that we’re even talking about this,” Kaidan said back through a clenched jaw as he walked towards the medical bay, pulling up the information from Doctor Chakwas on his omni-tool as he did so, “for one, this is pretty damn private and, for two, it shouldn’t even be a discussion in the first place.”

“And why’s that? Because you’re judging him for something you perhaps don’t know the half of?” Garrus said in a silky tone which made the hairs on the back of Kaidan’s neck stand on end; it was difficult to keep down the anger but he did his best, turning sharply to face Garrus in the small corridor that led to the elevator.

“Something _I_ don’t know the half of?” Kaidan spat out under his breath, angry and yet still in control enough to even check if they were alone before continuing, “He shot someone in cold blood Garrus and I’m pretty sure that he’s had more conversations about it with me than he has anyone else. I know what Shepard wants and the last thing he’d expect is for me to lie for him!”

Garrus simply snorted and shook his head, making Kaidan bite his tongue to stop the insults spewing out. It wasn’t exactly rational but, when Garrus acted superior and antagonistic, it couldn’t help but mirror Kaidan’s memories of Vyrnnus. The visceral reaction he had to such behaviour was almost entirely subconscious, which only frustrated Kaidan even more.

“How can you hope to lie,” Garrus said cuttingly, “when you don’t even know the truth? I’d say I’ve had my fare share of conversations with the Commander and, no matter that he doesn’t hold me as close a confidant as he does with you, I’d say I’ve learned enough about him to understand there’s more to this story than what we saw on Onterom. I’d just hoped you’d understood as much.”

“If it’s not too rude to ask,” Kaidan snapped out facetiously, “where the hell is this all coming from?”

“Well I can’t say I wasn’t expecting you to be upset,” Garrus shrugged, “it’s just obvious to me how much of a dilemma you two seem to be in at nearly every moment of the day. I wanted to know how we were going to approach this, considering we’ll both have to testify and if our stories didn’t match it would be rather embarrassing, wouldn’t you say?”

The conversation had left him fighting against the two polar opposite reactions Garrus had stirred within him. Blazing anger at the Turian’s seeming lack of discretion, respect and tact, and on the other hand the familiar cold, creeping resentment that he was right. Kaidan didn’t know everything, and Shepard had told him just that, ‘ _If you expect me to lay myself open for you I'm afraid you're only going to be disappointed’_ _._ I was supposed to make sure I never was disappointed, he thought in annoyance, I was supposed to be the one he could rely on enough to trust me with anything. Wasn’t that what I thought? I even go as far as to accept what happened on Onterom, in some small, bizarre part of my brain I can accept it, but I still condemn him without cause? Is that what I’m doing? What a fucking moral black hole this is turning into, he thought as he tried his best to walk into Med Bay and give Doctor Chakwas a reassuring smile. If the way the woman reacted was anything to go by Kaidan guessed his smile wasn’t so much reassuring as potentially homicidal.

* * *

 

“So, did you bring me back anything?” Shepard asked facetiously while he and Kaidan found themselves practically alone on B-deck, sat in the Mess eating the cook’s beef stew (now with actual beef), while Kaidan spent most of the time obsessively looking through the recording he had taken on his data-pad of his recon to Relay.

“If you’d come along I wouldn’t have to have illegally steal you a vacation gift,” Kaidan replied, unable to stop the smile despite Shepard’s barbed comment, “I’m pretty sure the Admiral would have let you go. I mean, he let me.”

It hadn’t been his first choice, considering he and Garrus’ not so friendly encounter earlier, to have much contact with Shepard until he had figured out everything in his head, straightened it out at least, made a plan. Kaidan liked plans, he liked things to be laid out neatly and logically, he liked a nice open playing field. He did not like reconnaissance in the dark, with no map, no supplies, and not even any clue which planet you were on or which star system you were in. Considering how deeply he card for Shepard and how much he was willing to forgive him for, his lack of ability to understand these things made him feel like the idiot he shouldn’t be; an ignorant one.

However, it had seemed too obvious an avoidance to say no to dinner, considering any free time together was valuable time as far as they were concerned. So he used his recording of the Omega 4 relay as a distraction. Anything as a distraction right now was appreciated.

“He didn’t ‘let’ you,” Shepard shook his head and at a forkful of food, a look of concentration on his face as he chewed, as if trying to figure out exactly what it was he had put into his mouth, “you blagged your way into the list of boarding parties.”

“Well,” Kaidan shrugged, eating distractedly, his eyes fixed on his data-pad even as he continued his conversation, “blagged is a little harsh. I mean, I do have quite a lot of experience with alien tech, Prothean technology too, first hand, and I mean the Cipher in my head allows me to read Prothean and…”

“And the Relays aren’t Prothean constructs,” Shepard interrupted, “so you blagged.”

“…Yeah,” Kaidan smiled, flicking his eyes to Shepard momentarily before returning them to his work, “I guess I did. Heck, I mean who is qualified to run around a Mass Relay telling you what everything does? Except maybe mass field experts like Hartman I guess, but even then? Especially this one. Everything is different to the others, nearly everything is slightly altered, it’s fascinating. I was looking through the archived material on the Sol Relay and did you know that…?”

The data-pad was plucked from his left hand as easily as a sweet from an unsuspecting child. Kaidan blinked before reaching for the retreating item automatically but it was too late. Kaidan watched Shepard turn it off and put it down beside him, out of Kaidan’s reach, before continuing with his dinner. Kaidan looked at him for a few moments, part shocked and part bemused.

“Well that was very adult of you,” Kaidan said, looking at Shepard concernedly, “you could have just said if I was boring your socks off.”

“You’re not boring me,” Shepard said candidly, “I’m just not in the mood to talk about the Omega 4 relay right now. It’s all you’ve been able to talk about since we jumped here with the fleet.”

“Oh come on, I haven’t been that bad,” Kaidan said with a disapproving look, even as he cleared his throat and thought that Shepard’s evaluation was pretty accurate and that, without his data-pad, all that was left were Garrus’ barbed comments going round and round in his head,  “give me the data-pad will you? I was busy.”

“How about we at least get a chance to finish our meal in peace and then,” Shepard took moment to swallow, “you can go back to your obsessive behaviour.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Kaidan said, looking at Shepard wryly, lowering his voice as he continued despite the lack of crewmembers present, “what are you, my father now? Because I find that a bit creepy, all things considered. Just pass me the data-pad, would you?”

The silence was a loaded one, which Kaidan only noticed after he’d spoken. Well, he thought as he cleared his throat and watched Shepard put his cutlery down, I’m obviously being as subtle as a meteor shower right about now. Why is it I can hack through a door while under enemy fire, Kaidan thought despairingly, talk my way through enemy barricades, even lift tonnes of steel with my damned mind and yet as soon as I’m talking to Shepard I develop the social skills of a radish?

“Well, don’t get too over excited,” Shepard said as he stood, picking up Kaidan’s data-pad and handing it back to him as if nothing was wrong, “we’re due to run a routine perimeter scout in a few hours. I need everyone on board for manoeuvres. You’re free until 0530 aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, taking the offered data-pad and switching it back on, “then I’m down in engineering with Tali, Adams is going to run a new simulation coolant system he’s been working on and he wants our advice.”

“Yes, he ran it by me, I’ll need Adams’ report by tomorrow if we’re going to put anything into effect, make sure you get it all through before 1200,” Shepard nodded before looking away to his left sharply with a slight frown; Kaidan watched him for a few seconds before speaking.

“Hey, are you alright Shepard?” he asked, watching the man closely.

“Yeah,” Shepard turned back to him a little too quickly, “I’m fine. Also don’t waste too much time down in engineering, I’ll need you to work with Pressly on setting up the perimeter sensors while Adams is busy. I’m...going to get some sleep.”

“Yes sir,” Kaidan said, watching Shepard with a keen eye as his CO walked towards his quarters, leaving his meal half finished.

* * *

 

It was perhaps only after coming down from the highs of both visiting the Omega relay and the _Orizaba_ and then, after speaking to Garrus, walking around in a pent up mess with a professional mask slapped over the top of it in order to keep working, that after coming down from that Kaidan was only now feeling the effect of his exhaustion, both physical and mental. He supervised Tali and Adams’ work for as long as he could before he realised he wasn’t even being productive at all. He may have never truly understood or liked Caroline Grenado’s bluntness to her superiors but when she told him he looked like he was going to pass out into the transit coils, he had appreciated her candour. He had made his excuses, told Adams to write up his report and have it to Shepard before 1200, before trying his best to make his way up to the CIC to rendezvous with Pressly. After half an hour of trying his damndest to stay awake and focused as he worked with Pressly and Joker to set up the perimeter sensors around the Fleet’s base of operations in Omega, Kaidan finally gave up.

“Lieutenant, are you alright?” Pressly asked when Kaidan ended up leaning against the back of Joker’s seat and holding his hand to his head, blinking.

“I...no, no I think I might have to...” he hadn’t expected the wave of dizziness that hit him, or the slight buckling of his knees as he turned; it was Pressly’s strong grip that caught his arm, stopping him from falling.

“Ensign! I need you to escort the Lieutenant down to Med Bay immediately,” Pressly’s voice was loud and slightly ringing in his ear as Kaidan blinked away the stars before his eyes.

“Yes sir!” another set of arms took over and Kaidan managed to scrape enough awareness together to avoid completely humiliating himself before the entire command crew.

In a way he wished he could have blamed it on the L2 implant and had done with it, but he was too honest for his own good sometimes. So when Dr. Chakwas gave him a stern talking to about the dire effects of exhaustion he took it like a man and kept his mouth shut, other than to agree with her and offer the occasional apology. It wasn’t a mothering speech like before but more a military dressing down. Kaidan should have been glad when she gave him a shot for mild dehydration and then left, but then he knew that could only be a bad thing. That the only person she would possibly bring back with her would be...

“So,” Shepard said as he walked into the Med Bay, looking down at his omni-tool with an unreadable expression; as he watched Shepard approach the bed on which he sat Kaidan found himself suffering a bad case of déjà vu, back to the events after Onterom, back to exactly the thing he was trying to avoid, “I see you’re back here again.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” Kaidan started, feeling as if he were somehow hot-wired to apologise by now, “I messed up the roster. It won’t happen again.”

“Damn right it won’t,” Shepard said as he stopped in front of the bed and, without hesitation, tilted Kaidan’s chin up and looked into his eyes critically, tipping the surprised Lieutenant’s head from side to side before shaking his head, “you’re dehydrated, drink something.”

“The Doctor gave me a shot,” Kaidan said drowsily, feeling slightly embarrassed at Shepard’s behaviour.

“There’s nothing better than actual fluids, Alenko, now drink something before I make you,” his CO said in his best no-nonsense tone; Kaidan acquiesced, taking the cup when Shepard held it in front of him defiantly.

Even though it had been a genuine error, an oversight on his part to include enough downtime on his own rota to get some sleep and eat before moving on to his next shifts after visiting the Relay, Kaidan still felt like fate itself was laughing at him. That somehow he had managed, in trying his best to avoid Shepard, to engineer a situation where the two of them were once more alone together with no-one to bother them. He drank his water slowly, feeling that it was the only barrier between himself and facing up to any of the things he’d been shying away from. He wouldn’t lie and say that he hadn’t been distracted, for which he felt incredibly embarrassed and, on the professional side of his personality, pretty damn ashamed, but it was true. He’d allowed himself to be distracted by _wanting_ to be distracted. Because he’d had enough of truth and reality forcing themselves in his face ever since he had realised he was stupidly in love with the one man he could barely have at all.

And here I said I was going to try my best to change, to make this all work out, to keep everything clean and simple and yet I’ve fallen straight back down the rabbit hole haven’t I, Kaidan thought. Or maybe I threw myself back in it, yeah, that would sound more like me. It was as he watched Shepard open his mouth to talk that Kaidan realised he couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t stand the secrecy and the lies, the blind acceptance that he’d told himself he could be happy with. He couldn’t stand the thought that he was enough of a coward and a fool to hide not only from Shepard but from himself.

“I don’t blame you,” he said suddenly, making Shepard freeze with his mouth open, watching him back with a slight frown; unsure about how much time they had before they were interrupted Kaidan didn’t hesitate, “I mean Onterom, Shepard. I don’t blame you and I know that I told you already but...but you don’t know why. I didn’t tell you why.”

Some things he liked to avoid because he knew that, in accepting his avoidance of another’s faults, he didn’t have to see the fault mirrored in his own doubts and fears. If there’s ever a time for blunt self reflection, he thought as he watched Shepard, it’s now.

“It’s because I, well, I...don’t know how to put this,” he floundered; he looked around the room as Shepard seemed to come to his own decision and sit down on the bed next to him without saying a word, “I told you about Vyrnnus but I don’t think I ever told you why it mattered to me. I mean I killed him, maybe that should mean enough in and of itself but that wasn’t it. For a long time I tried to convince myself it was an accident, that I hadn’t meant to do it, that it had been a pure reaction to the threat of death. That I was an innocent, that I was the victim and he was the aggressor. That he’d deserved it.”

He appreciated Shepard’s silence even thought he didn’t know what it meant. The soft clicks and beeps of the Med Bay created a juxtaposed serenity to the atmosphere in the room, the low lighting forcing him to fight his own exhaustion in order to get out what he had to say before it was too late.

“Only I had to convince myself of that,” he said, sighing, “I told you that I understood Shepard, why you did what you did. That’s not because...dammit, I’ve never been sure but I have always doubted myself when it came to that moment. When a biotic uses their power there is a certain amount of, well I suppose you could call it ‘will’ involved with each motion. Every action you want to do, every object moved, every energy subverted, every biological aspect tampered with...there’s a _want_ behind it that drives the action. I don’t know how else to describe it but if you don’t focus enough, if you don’t picture it in your mind, if you don’t want it to happen, then that’s when you cause a blow out.”

“Are you trying to tell me you know that you wanted Vyrnnus dead because you were _able_ to do it?” Shepard asked bluntly after a moment’s pause.

“I’m telling you I’ve never known,” Kaidan said in a defeated tone, “but it’s something that was always there, always in the back of my mind, always taunting me. I knew that it was a truth but I didn’t want to face it, want to believe I was capable of wanting someone dead so badly that I could make it happen. I...so that when Rahna looked at me all she could see was the same violence in my eyes as she had always seen in Vyrnnus’. She saw what I was trying to hide from, and so did my parents. Shit, I became so scared of it that I couldn’t even bring myself to use my biotics to kill, no matter how dire the situation. I guess I became a major hypocrite, killing with a gun but not with my own, honed biotics. It was different, somehow, it _is_ different. It’s visceral, it’s cognitive, you need to have a reason or it only works against you. I’m not saying you have to be a psycho to wield biotics for the purposes of killing but I was just a kid back then. I’ve figured out how to handle it as an adult, even if it’s taken me a hell of a long time, but back then it was just raw emotion. It was just a visceral want to kill. So...”

The man didn’t look unhappy, angry or even confused when Kaidan finally turned to his left to look at Shepard. I sure do pick my moments, don’t I? Kaidan thought, feeling his nerves set on edge by both the worry that they might be interrupted and the fear that this might completely backfire on him. If this does, Kaidan thought, then Garrus is going to be introduced to the nearest airlock.

“I need to know, Shepard,” he said as stalwartly as he could, “I need to know why you did it. I need to know because I can’t trust myself not to overlook it because I care about you and I know I’m liable to use that a coverall for my doubts. I need to know what happened because I know you’re no more a heartless killer than I am, and I want to know that I’m right.”

Wow, he thought as he once more looked away from Shepard and back towards the door, this was either the best idea I’ve ever had or the very, _very_ dumbest. He heard Shepard move about on the bed next to him but didn’t look at his CO. It wasn’t until the man started to laugh softly that Kaidan couldn’t help but look, mainly in confusion and a little anger.

“I’m sorry,” Shepard said, waving off the anger that Kaidan was sure must have been obvious on his face, “you must think I’m crazy it’s just...well, this is a new one on me. Maybe it shouldn’t be but it is. Everyone always used to ask me why, ask me to talk about these things, these terrible things, because they thought it would be good for me,” Shepard said with a shake of his head and the barest hint of a wry smile, “yeah, talk about the atrocities I’ve seen, relive them, that’s great, what a wonderful idea. What they thought it would accomplish I have no clue but I do know that no one was ever truthful about it. I think you might be the only person I’ve come across who came right out and said the truth. You want to know for yourself.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like an...” Kaidan started, unsure how to act when Shepard was being unexpectedly candid.

“No, don’t apologise,” Shepard said, slowly pushing himself up off of the bed and turning to face Kaidan, “it’s refreshing, and I’m not playing mind games. I’ve had enough of those to last me a lifetime and I’m sure you have too. And you know what it’s...kind of...nice to have someone give enough of a shit to make this equal. You never pull enough out of me that you don’t give back, you know that Alenko? Yeah you can be overzealous at times, you can be a hardass and you can definitely be naive but damn if you aren’t fair.”

What am I supposed to say to that? Kaidan thought in bewilderment. He had thought that his sudden burst of sincerity and honesty would seem as if it had come out of nowhere and yet Shepard appeared to have taken it in his stride, just like he always did.

“Well, I guess...I guess I should start from the top, should I? Yeah, that seems as good as any. I had just been promoted,” Shepard continued without pausing, his tone barely changing even though Kaidan could see the tension in his shoulders and his arms as he crossed them, “and my Operations chief, Greenwald, put me in charge of my own recon team. Hell, I was freaking walking on air at the time. All the assholes who’d beaten me down during training, all the trainees who had fallen by the wayside in ICT, I was basically sitting on top of them all now, looking down as they tried to keep up. The little orphan kid with no chance, looking down on them. So yeah, I was maybe a little reckless, but then it had always gotten me ahead in life and my superiors seemed to appreciate it as long as I kept it in check.”

Despite his want to know, Kaidan suddenly felt as if he wanted to tell Shepard to stop. Not for himself but because the man appeared too calm. He knew Shepard’s mood swings and the signals he showed when he was angry or sad or anywhere in between. Only Kaidan hadn’t ever seen the man this calm and, dare he say it, carefree. Considering just what they were surely discussing here, Kaidan knew he couldn’t trust that. It was either a good sign or a very, very bad sign. He was yet to figure out which.

“I was the one who picked up the distress call,” Shepard said, his eyes staring at the wall with an unreadable look, “I remember it, kind of off by heart I guess. Still, it seemed real at the time, no matter how bullshit I know it is now. It was me, Toombs, Harley and Ventin who went down; my team. We secured the area, marked out a clear LZ and then the rest came down to join us, set up a rudimentary camp and then we...”

Shepard sat down beside him once more and scrubbed roughly at his neck with his fingers, clearing his throat and continuing.

“We found the distress beacon, a dupe of course,” he said, his tone flat and words precise, “when Harley picked it up it let out this sound, something I’ll never forget. Piercing and fucking loud too. She dropped it but it was too late. It must have been a signal, something those creatures can’t stand, who knows. Cerberus obviously had it planned to the letter. Honestly? You’d think this would be a better story but in the end it was over pretty quickly. I remember the ground shaking, like I can imagine an earthquake would be. It was hard to stand. The red sand on the ground rose into a shallow dust cloud and it was hard to see, hard to breathe. When we made a run for the camp the others were already coming out of the tents and the Mako to see what was going on. That was when the first one came up, right in the centre of our base, right through the main tent. I couldn’t even tell you who went first, maybe Ventin and Duela, she was our communications officer so I think she would have been in there. I don’t know. I just grabbed Toombs and Harley and ran. Every time they came up through the ground it was like a bomb going off, it rang in my ears and there was dirt and sand everywhere. We were knocked over again and again, I could barely keep my footing. I don’t even remember letting go of their arms but, when I hit the dunes and started climbing, half way up until I remember there was a rocky shelf and I stopped to turn around and help them up.”

Shepard shook his head and kept his stare dead ahead, even though Kaidan wasn’t sure what he was seeing there, the door or the red sand strewn planet of Akuze itself.

“There was no one there,” Shepard said, “just sand and rocks and the sound of those fucking things ripping the place apart. I had a great view, just sitting there like a frozen statue watching from above as they demolished the Mako and the shuttle, the material from the tents strewn everywhere, the equipment half pulled down into the ground. And no one, no one there, not even anyone screaming for help. No Toombs, no Harley, none of the eleven members of _my_ team. No one but me, watching it all.”

What was there to say? Kaidan thought. You get what you ask for, and you are certainly getting what you asked for Alenko. He felt both terrible for asking and yet strong enough that Shepard had deigned to tell him at all. After months of blunt evasion he had been sure Shepard would never open up, just keep demanding Kaidan’s secrets for himself without ever sharing what made him tick. Yet Shepard didn’t seem angry or even resigned. He just seemed far away from him, right at that moment, as if he had been taken back to a time when all he could do was shut down to protect himself. Kaidan didn’t regret his decision to ask but he did understand the feeling.

“You know, when they gave me the Star of Terra I nearly threw it back in their faces,” Shepard let out a resigned huff of breath, “it was Anderson who talked me into even accepting it. I don’t think I could understand back then how I could be the heroic figure everyone was praising me as. So I forced a push back against the front lines during the war, how was I ever supposed to know what it would mean? I felt like it was supposed to symbolise my bravery or something stupid and arbitrary like that, when all I could think at the time was that it was blind perseverance and the want to never have to stand there and be the reason for so many deaths again that drove me. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn't. When... when she shouted for me, Sara, she shouted for me when the Batarians came and I wouldn’t come out. I saw her run into the room shouting for me but I was so damn scared I couldn’t move even to help her, I just stayed hidden under the floorboards where mother had put me. I saw them all go, one by one, and I...”

Shepard stopped abruptly and frowned, staring at his hand as Kaidan reached over and gripped it in his own. He could feel the slight tremor there, travelling through Shepard’s arm to his hand, a shake that showed what the man seemed incapable of voicing. Kaidan felt a pain in his chest and realised how close he was to shaking himself. While Shepard had talked he’d been able to ignore his own feelings and reactions but now everything was catching up to him.

“When that scientist on Onterom confessed,” Shepard said softly, “ _confessed_ , and everything came flooding back I couldn’t see past the retribution. I couldn’t see past Toombs being alive, being tortured by those people, my whole life ripped apart all over again. I don’t expect you to think it was right, Kaidan, but it’s what it was. I’ll know how brave they think I am in three weeks at the trial. Who knows, maybe I’ll be the first _and_ last human spectre.”

“I’d say bravery is pretty subjective when it comes down to it,” Kaidan said, clearing his throat and squeezing Shepard’s hand, feeling the need to distract Shepard from the hell he’d talked himself into, “sometimes you have to be brave just to deal with all the shit you have piled on top of you, the stuff people expect you to deal with. Hell, I mean when I was sent back to earth if it wasn’t the whiskey that drowned out everything I didn’t want to think about it was the red sand that shut everything else away. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of but then a hell of a lot of things that I am. I mean shit I got so wasted one night I nearly killed my dad with a chair.”

“I nearly got myself thrown out of the N-5 program for assaulting a superior officer with a table,” Shepard said with an odd look on his face which appeared to reflect the absurdity of his statement.

“When I was twenty two my mom caught me and my friend Jake in a very compromising situation in their closet,” Shepard looked at him with a confused frown and an incredulous half-smile; Kaidan waved him away, hoping to further the distraction, “don’t ask.”

“You know how I told your parents that I was arrested for joyriding as a joke?” he asked, waiting until Kaidan nodded before he started to laugh, “it wasn’t a joke.”

“I should have known,” Kaidan said.

He was unable to stop himself from joining the laughter laced with a subtle hysteria and a knowledge that everything that was terrible was also wonderful at the same time; there was a mirror to everything, even in as simple a thing as the horror that he had seen in Shepard’s eyes moments before compared to the laughter and hope he saw in them now.

“So did you find out what you need to know?” Shepard asked as he slowed his laughter and bit it back, forcing himself to calm down.

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded, smiling as he looked down at the floor, “turns out I knew what it was all along, so yeah.”

“Is that right?” Shepard asked, once more taking hold of Kaidan’s chin and tipping his face up and round to face him; the look in his eyes hadn’t abated. Shepard was looking at him in an indescribable fashion, somewhere between astonishment and acceptance.

“Are you...alright Shepard? I mean, I know you don’t want to hear it but I really am sorry if I made you...”

He didn’t get any further because the hug he was pulled into was sudden and all encompassing. Kaidan let out a small grunt as Shepard pulled him roughly into his arms and held him there. It was only afterwards that Kaidan realised that if there was one thing he had been worried about at that moment it hadn’t been whether or not someone would walk in and discover them.

“You’re something else, you know that Alenko?” Shepard asked as he held him, “I don’t know whether you’re sane, rational or just as crazy as I am half the time, but all I need to know is that you’re here. I guess I have my answer. Most sane people would have up and run long ago,” Shepard pulled back and looked at him intensely, “but you’re still here. I’ve never told anyone that before, about Akuze, about...about home, but you’re still here. No wonder I...well. I won’t make the same mistakes again, not this time. I’ll never let anything happen to you, you understand that? So, Lieutenant,” Shepard stood up and smoothed down his top, clearing his throat, “I need you to sleep, and I mean it, actual sleep for a minimum of three hours. I have your shift covered, it was nothing that couldn’t be rearranged, but if I ever catch you abusing the roster to the detriment of your health again there will be consequences, and that is not a joke. Am I understood?”

“Yes sir,” Kaidan said on impulse, feeling the need to stand to attention in the way he always did when Shepard became authoritarian; yet it seemed like whiplash when Shepard ended his stern speech by leaning in to capture his lips and kiss him softly. Kaidan reached up and touched Shepard’s arm, his fingers twitching against the exposed skin of his bicep.

“Now you know,” Shepard said seriously, pulling back only half a foot from Kaidan’s face and sporting his curious almost-smile, “so sleep. I’ve set you an alarm for 1100. We head out at 1200 so I need you up with Joker at 1145.”

“You can count on me,” Kaidan said as strongly as he could.

“I know,” Shepard said as he looked over his shoulder, found no noise, and then turned back to lean in for another kiss, this time pushing Kaidan back onto the Med Bay bed slowly as he did so. Once Kaidan felt his back hit the thin mattress Shepard pulled back, licking his lips in a way that made Kaidan shudder, “now _sleep_ ,” he said seriously.

“Aye, aye,” Kaidan said as Shepard turned and left.

As consciousness slipped away from him, lying in amongst the bleeps and clicks of the instruments around him, the dim lights and the soft bed, he closed his eyes and knew that, despite how completely screwed up they both were, there were some things you couldn’t overlook; and no matter how terrible something was, there was always a mirror to show you the better side.

His mirror just happened to be Malcolm Shepard.

 


	5. Arrivals/Departures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this has taken a long time. Sorry for the 2 year delay. Life has been pretty hectic and horrible all that time, and my creativity may have been hijacked by another fandom for a while to keep me sane. However, finally here it is, the next part. We're creeping closer to the start of ME2.

 

‘Where is the horse? Where the rider?  
Where the giver of treasure?  
Where are the seats at the feast?  
Where are the revels in the hall?  
Alas for the bright cup!  
Alas for the mailed warrior!  
Alas for the splendour of the prince!  
How that time has passed away,  
dark under the cover of night,  
as if it had never been!’  
  
_‘The Wanderer_ ‘(Anonymous Old English poem)

 

* * *

 

“So you had fun talking to Admiral Bradley then?” Shepard didn’t sound entirely pleased, speaking into the ear of his personal comm, but then Kaidan couldn’t blame him.

“Oh, we had a great time,” Kaidan said, trying for sarcasm, flicking a switch to set the test for the shuttle’s rear thrusters, “she had a few interesting stories about you.”

“I’ll bet,” Shepard said with an audible sigh.

“Something about you calling her a frigid old witch who couldn’t organise a raid on a Volus tea party,” Kaidan said, sitting back against the padded chair as Joker fed the flight details through to the shuttle’s nav-com.

“Does that sound like something I would say?” Shepard asked, sounding only partially sincere.

“Actually, yeah,” Kaidan said, shaking his head as he synched the shuttle’s flight path, “it has that certain, uh, je ne se quoi.”

“That’s just a nice way of saying it’s something an asshole would say, isn’t it Lieutenant,” Shepard’s tone was only half joking; Kaidan was beginning to wonder whether Shepard could only be half of something at any given time. He dismissed the thought quickly as a dangerous one.

“Your words, Shepard, not mine.”

“Well you sure know how to sweet talk a guy. Guess you’ll be making it up to me later.”

Kaidan knew that no one was listening, he knew no one was watching, yet he still felt the irrational need to look over his shoulder into the main area of the shuttle and check that the marines there were too preoccupied loading equipment and talking amongst themselves to listen in to his conversation. He cleared his throat and continued to prime the shuttle for launch.

“I think I can come up with something...imaginative,” he replied, feeling the tension in his shoulders and unsure whether it was unease or anticipation.

“I look forward to seeing your results,” Shepard said in a low voice, as if he were purposefully keeping quiet, “I warn you, I have high standards.”

“Alright, enough already, you win,” Kaidan laughed, shaking his head, “honestly, you sound like a cheap romance novel.”

“Don’t bash cheap romance novels, Alenko, where do you think I got my manly charm?” Shepard said with an obviously smug tone which, just as quickly as it had arrived, departed in favour of a once more professional one, “I expect you and your team back by 0800. Set up the perimeter, prime the devices and head straight back. No detours, understand?”

“Yes, Sir,” Kaidan replied, “we’ll be back on schedule.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Shepard said before closing off communications, replaced by Joker as he informed Kaidan of e.t.a. and they went through the motions.

Thus it was that Kaidan felt he began his lie. What he hadn’t informed Shepard of when relating his talk with Admiral Bradley was the subject of their talk; something he wasn’t sure how to handle himself, never mind anyone else handling it. Never mind Shepard handling it.

He thought he had managed to make up his mind, avoid the inevitable, and keep his feet firmly where he wanted them to be. Declining the transfer from the _Normandy_ to the Fifth Fleet became an easy task when he decided that it was exactly what he wanted to do. He had sent a communication refusing the offer, detailing his wish to remain onboard in his current position, and had considered it over. Half of him had been relieved, and the other half almost excited by the rebelliousness. A small part was left to be slightly amazed that he had let himself be swayed by pure emotion; he ignored that part.

It was decided and done.

And then his request was refused point blank.

He had never felt less in control of his life than when he had sat in Admiral Bradley’s office and was told the new path his career would be taking, with or without his consent. He felt as if, just as he had found a new life that he couldn’t contemplate leaving, it was being erased before his eyes.

Now, programming the satellites onto the route they had secured earlier was somewhat therapeutic. It was practical and familiar, practiced movements with a time schedule. It went by the numbers and he knew that he was good at it, something he could control. Kaidan appreciated something so routine while his head was filled with nothing but a constant stream of questions with no answers.

What did the cipher in his head mean?

What did the others think? Were they in awe of him (bad) or did it make them fear him more than they already did (worse)?

Could this ancient relay really lead to their salvation or was it simply another Reaper trap? Would anyone even believe him if he were to suggest it might be just that?

Should he just _take_ the transfer or make them force him into it?

What would happen to him if he left?

What would happen if he told the truth?

Sometimes, as he let the questions run their course, he would take a moment to realise that none of it mattered. Right then, none of it meant anything. And he would feel momentarily completely and utterly alone. And it hurt. So the questions would start again, and they constant litany of asking and asking and asking things that had no answers, at the very least, kept everything else hidden.

“That’s the last sensor in place Lieutenant,” Grenado’s voice sounded over his comm., “they’re all responding, readouts are good. We’re ready to head back when you are, sir.”

You’ve already done the worst, Kaidan thought. Already accepted him despite...everything, and that’s a damn big ‘ _everything’_ Alenko. Already decided that you would be willing to lie for him. No, he argued back, no I _reconciled_ myself with the fact that he was capable of not just being a cold hearted bastard. It’s more than that.

 _Two halves held together by unstable glue_.

“Roger that, Grenado, returning to _Normandy_ ,” Kaidan replied as he sat forwards in the pilot’s seat and stared out of the view screen at the pitch void of space.

You want to be that glue, he admitted, because it stop you both from falling apart. Kaidan bit the inside of his cheek and wished things were simpler.

* * *

 

“They’re bringing more specialists in,” Liara was saying as Kaidan edged his way politely through the crowded deck; the CIC crew were uncharacteristically lively as they stood in clustered groups, watching multiple view screens display the arrival. Kaidan caught her eye and she smiled, waving him over, “Lieutenant!”

He nodded before looking around to scope for Shepard, finding no hint of the man. Taking his place next to Liara he found Garrus on her other side, his sharp eyes uncharacteristically humourless.

“How many specialists before you ruin the broth?” the Turian asked in reply to Liara’s statement.

“Isn’t that cooks?” Tali, who Kaidan could barely see on the other side of Garrus, spoke up.

“I like to mix my metaphors,” Garrus shrugged.

“Have you seen the Commander?” Kaidan asked Liara, but the Asari was cut off by Garrus before she could answer.

“He’s in the cargo hold,” Garrus said with a sigh, the bony plates at his jaw twitching in agitation, “speaking to Wrex.”

“Uh, thanks,” Kaidan nodded, turning to leave even as he kept his eye on the view screen.

“You aren’t going to stay and watch?” Liara asked, looking concerned.

“Ah, I see ships all the time,” Kaidan smiled to reassure her as he took a few steps back, “this one just happens to be bigger. I’ll speak to you later?”

“Ok,” she said, unable to hide her empathy; that only made Kaidan feel worse, knowing he was far too obvious to hide his feelings.

He didn’t need to go far to find Shepard, even though he had planned to go down to the cargo hold to look for him. Truthfully he was glad that he found Shepard alone. Kaidan didn’t feel he really knew Wrex all that well and the Krogan wasn’t one for small talk. Except with Shepard that was. For a man who hated small talk himself Shepard was surprisingly good at fooling others into thinking he loved it.

Yet, if the frown on Shepard’s brow and the length of his stare was anything to go by, Kaidan thought Garrus’ agitation was probably warranted.

“Heading to the bridge, Commander?” he asked, keeping his face open and inviting as Shepard looked up with surprise, coming to a sudden halt.

“Kaidan, yes, I was but...” Shepard seemed to take a moment, in which he drew in a deep breath and then let it out as a sigh, bringing his right hand up to the back of his neck to rub at the skin there, “it’s not really important. I’m sure Pressly will keep the troops in order.”

“I don’t think they’ve had many chances to see Kilimanjaro-class dreadnoughts slip out of subspace along with its entourage,” Kaidan said with a smile, “they look like kids on Christmas morning up there.”

“It’s just a ship,” Shepard shrugged, “but bigger.”

“That’s what _I_ said,” Kaidan said with an emphatic lift of his hand before dropping it.

“Well, great minds think alike Lieutenant,” Shepard said as he turned and headed for the main elevator.

“And fools seldom differ,” Kaidan chimed in as he followed.

“Don’t push it,” Shepard said with a shake of his head as he pressed the call button, his humorous tone suspect, “I’m headed to engineering, check on the new system Adams had installed.”

“Mind if I join you?” Kaidan asked, feeling that subtlety was the best way forward when Shepard acted this way; curtains drawn and shutters down.

“Not at all, Alenko,” Shepard said as the doors hissed open, “not at all.”

* * *

 

It had turned out that Shepard’s unusual mood had come as a consequence of Wrex declaring his want to leave the _Normandy_ and return to his home world of Tuchanka. This had seemed a little bit of an overreaction to Kaidan at first until Shepard had confided in him that Wrex had big plans for his return, mainly fighting for his right to become leader of his people.

“We all know how much curing the genophage means to him,” Shepard said as he stood with Kaidan in the dimly lit underbelly of the ship, his eyes glued to the data-pad in his left hand as he typed frantically with the other, reading the results of Adams’ program which filtered through in rapid succession.

“I don’t think that’s exactly unique to Wrex,” Kaidan tried to argue.

“Yeah,” Shepard said, “but then other Krogans won’t have the full force of a planet of dispossessed and pissed off brethren behind them. And I doubt he’ll stop at that. Probably push for a seat on the council, and that’ll _really_ sit well with the Salarians. Everyone’s still twitchy after what happened with Sovereign. Likely they’re all a little distrustful right now, and scared even if they won’t admit it to themselves. I just...I’m just concerned about what Wrex might do if there’s no one there to talk him out of doing anything crazy. And what might come of it if he does.”

“He’s not that stupid, Shepard,” Kaidan reassured, even though he knew he only believed in his own words about seventy percent, “Wrex cares about his people, he wouldn’t risk them to start a war or subject them to experiments like others might.”

“I know,” Shepard said, not looking him in the eye, “I know. Hey, 1900, we have some time free, couple of hours. Do you fancy dinner, my quarters?”

“Uh, yeah,” Kaidan had said, mind jarred at the leap in the conversation, “wouldn’t miss it.”

“Good,” Shepard said with a tight smile, “until then I think you have Detail in fifteen minutes. Better get going.”

“Why is it you always know my schedule better than I do?” Kaidan asked half heartedly under his breath, noting Shepard’s smile inch up towards his eyes just a fraction as he left.

* * *

 

The arrival of the new addition to the fleet hadn’t been an omen or a portent or anything so ominous, but Kaidan had still taken it as a bad sign. Or perhaps just a reminder that his allotted time was slowly running out. It felt a little surreal, to be truthful, considering everything that had happened over the last few months. As suddenly as war had started it was suddenly over and, just as much as they had been war heroes then, they were still shackled by their roles in the Alliance. Duty was to be upheld even in the seeming peace they had won.

Only now there wasn’t the satisfaction of fighting against an enemy he could fear and hate. Now he found himself fighting against his own people, afraid of his superiors, worried that the Alliance would try and shape him into what it wanted and needed just as much as Saren would have done had he won the day.

Knowing that the peace they had won didn’t really count for him. That peace was now, so suddenly, empty.

“Been a while since I had a decent meal that didn’t come from a food re-processor,” sitting in his CO’s quarters, Kaidan smiled politely to hide his anxiety.

“Well, I know how little a chance you got to enjoy home during shore leave,” Shepard shrugged, his own smile far more genuine as he poured himself a small glass of dark red wine, “thought maybe this could make up for me crashing your family dinner.”

“Oh, believe me, your company just made what would have been an awkward evening far more interesting. And don’t worry, it would have ended up in a fight either way. You didn’t start that. _That_ has been going on for a long time before I met you.”

Somehow, he wasn’t sure how, Shepard’s quarters had never seemed so intimate or intimidating to him as they did now, despite their many encounters within this very room. It wasn’t even as if they’d tried to set a mood, or been energetic enough to put much effort into the few hours they’d managed to scrape together other than the small, clandestine dinner on Shepard’s one, small table. It seemed fitting, somehow, that they be at least comfortable when he broke the news. Not that he looked forward to it.

The Commander seemed far more relaxed and, dare he say it, happy than he had seen him in a long time. Considering all of the trials that would be soon coming to test them, Kaidan felt a rising guilt at being the one to ruin it.

He watched distractedly as Shepard reached down to the crumpled containment bag at his side and pulled out something that made Kaidan’s smirk turn to a genuine, if somewhat disbelieving, smile. He leaned across the table and handed Kaidan the lager, a cold bottle of Molson Canadian. Kaidan took it and then accepted the bottle opener that Shepard handed him next.

“I won’t even ask how you got this past quarantine,” Kaidan said softly, “or how you even got it at all. I’m sure I don’t want to know either, right?”

“Aren’t you always right?” Shepard avoided expertly.

“Nearly always,” Kaidan said, his smile faltering.

He opened the lager as a distraction, watching the bubbles within ignite at the release of pressure, fizzing up like a swarm of angry bees. He put the bottle in his mouth to catch the foam.

“Like I said,” Shepard relaxed back in his chair, “I have lots of skills. Growing up on a colony lends itself to certain freedoms, let’s call it that. And, well, being an orphan has its stigmas I guess,” Kaidan watched Shepard carefully; he barely ever talked about himself without prompting, “and not to stay with a stereotype but we stole a lot of shit. There are a few choice things on my record that probably should have barred me from ever getting close to the N7 program.”

The foam was cold and it jarred against his teeth, as did the icy liquid that followed, bitter with hops and carbon dioxide pops against his tongue. Kaidan winced as he swallowed, feeling the chill descend down his throat and make his insides clench. It wasn’t fair, he thought for a childish moment, this isn’t fair.

“Then how did you?” he asked as a distraction, “If you don’t mind my asking.”

“Guess luckiness runs in my blood, to an extent anyway,” Shepard looked momentarily like he wanted to swallow his own words, “I’ve always been a bit of a survivor. And of course Anderson’s recommendation didn’t hurt. Probably ranked a hell of a lot higher than luck. He put his ass on the line for me,” and then came the flippant smile and suddenly Shepard was hidden again, “Hope he feels I might have paid him back by saving the galaxy.”

“If he doesn’t then the man’s standards are as unreasonably high as I always feared,” Kaidan said.

“Right,” Shepard laughed softly, taking a drink.

He didn’t want to hear it, see it or do it, mainly for his own sake. It was nice, damn _more than just nice_ to be able to finally have a conversation which didn’t involve dragging words kicking and screaming out of Shepard, yet that only rubbed salt into the wound. He wanted to fool himself into thinking there would be many more moments just like this, sitting, happy, talking, laughing, just _being_.

He wanted to keep this as long as he could fool himself into thinking he could have it. Instead the words ended up spilling out of his mouth just as the foam out of the bottle. A stain that could not be removed once spilt.

“I’m being transferred,” Kaidan said bluntly just as Shepard opened his mouth to continue; suffice to say he stayed mute for a few moments, his eyes fixed on Kaidan, blinked once, twice, and then the mouth closed and Shepard looked down at the table.

“I know,” Shepard sighed, lifting his right hand to scrub it over his face, as if trying to remove the tiredness there, “I received the transfer notice this morning.”

“Oh,” Kaidan said, for lack of anything more suitable; he moved his fork about on his plate before putting it down with a soft clink.

“Just wondered when you would tell me yourself,” Shepard said, licking his lips before taking another strip of beef from his plate with his fingers and shoving it in his mouth, chewing methodically, “did you accept the offer then?”

“You know, I won’t say I hadn’t considered it,” Kaidan said with a short, forced laugh, realising his tone was rather hollow and inappropriate as he spoke, “if you want me to be absolutely honest about this,” Shepard looked up at those words, his eyes cutting, making Kaidan falter slightly before continuing, “it didn’t take very long to figure out that this, us, is a terrible fucking idea.”

Kaidan took a deep breath and decided, since Shepard was already looking at him as if waiting for something horrible to come out of his mouth, that he might as well be truthful. He recalled the bar, the two of them sat side by side, and Shepard’s curious voice asking “ _if you can just tell me why, oh why, we’re so good together... “_. He had declined to answer, mainly because he wasn’t sure that he knew and he’d been afraid to be so candid.

He wasn’t sure if it was the knowledge that they only had a limited time left together or he was just feeling reckless, but he went ahead with the words he hadn’t dared to say before, “I mean, we’re pretty disparate really. Worlds apart.”

“Want to qualify that statement, lieutenant?” Shepard said, voice terse.

“Do I want to..?” Kaidan’s voice slipped away as he frowned; yes, I do he thought angrily, “Well considering you’re an extroverted introvert who sometimes plays at being yourself but mainly plays at being someone else, with a secretive personality sometimes bordering on the sociopathic, yeah I guess we’re not particularly well matched.”

“Oh I don’t know, Kaidan,” Shepard rejoined after swallowing heavily, “You’re neurotic and ambitious, with a head full of bad technology, an addictive personality, a badly damaged self image and a fear of your own talents. I’d say we fit like peas in a damned pod,” making Kaidan feel momentarily insulted, upset and defensive all at once; he wondered if his own words had made the same impression.

Always the same old shit: push them away, make them angry so it makes it easier to leave. Easier to go when they don’t even want you there, is that about right? Kaidan thought. Worked with his parents, it would work with Shepard. He wished he didn’t understand himself half as well as he did. You fucking coward, he thought bitterly.

The silence in the room was almost mute, as if the sound had been removed. He couldn’t even hear Shepard’s breathing or his own, as if they were trying to hold everything possible inside. The Commander leaned forwards and placed his barely tasted glass of wine back onto the table, his face held in a perfect mask of barely contained control.

“Nothing to say? Well, good to know I can still pull that trick,” Shepard said tightly, even though his eyes seemed pained, “so, you requested the transfer.”

“No,” Kaidan said with a sigh, making Shepard look back to him quickly, “no I declined. It just turns out that I...I had less choice in the matter than I thought I did.”

Shepard watched him carefully, with well deserved scepticism Kaidan thought. He continued before Shepard got a chance to butt in.

“It seems Admiral Hackett’s offer was more of an order in disguise. My decline of the transfer and my request to stay aboard the _Normandy_ were both superseded by him and Admiral Bradley. I’m still not entirely sure why, although I think it might be something to do with the Cipher. That’s the best case scenario, anyway.”

“And the worst case?” Shepard asked, seeming unsure how to address Kaidan’s admission.

“...They know about us,” Kaidan said softly, smoothing his right hand across his trouser leg and hoping that what he said wasn’t true, “and since we’re pretty much indispensible right now they want us separated rather than-than...I don’t know. Stir things up.”

“Stir things up? Like that would stop them. If they were that desperate to separate us then they would just wait for my trial,” Shepard said with a snort, “I’m pretty sure that will be a good enough solution.”

“Shepard, please...” he said, putting his beer down and shaking his head.

“Don’t start with me, Kaidan,” Shepard replied in annoyance; Kaidan looked at the man across from him, who so rarely showed his true feelings, and knew that Shepard wasn’t taking this well, “I don’t need your reassurance that everything will be ok. What difference is that going to make?”

“It would make me feel better,” Kaidan said, rubbing at his face; he felt tired, “and the crew.”

“Well, I can’t be the keystone propping everyone up right now, alright?” Shepard stood up agitatedly, “I just haven’t really been in the right frame of mind lately.”

“Hey, I didn’t ask you to be our support,” Kaidan stood, weaving around the table, “I meant we should be yours. But you have to let us.”

“Oh yeah? And how will my sociopathic nature allow that to happen?”

“I did say ‘bordering on’.”

“Close enough,” Shepard shook his head and looked to the table, seeming unsure where to stand.

“I didn’t mean it as a...” he stopped, swallowing, “sorry. It’s what I do, I read people, I try to understand them so I can predict how they’ll react. I wasn’t trying to label you, just...put you into perspective.”

Just keep digging Alenko, he thought to himself as he put his hands on his hips and tried to think how to make this better. The mute silence fell again but this time it was accompanied by a heavy stare.

“Why didn’t you?” Shepard asked bluntly, “Ask for the transfer, I mean.”

“Turns out I...” Kaidan cleared his throat, feeling a little antsy as he tried to force the words out; he deserves to know, he thought, and it’s not exactly a secret. You just never made it clear before, that’s all. He took a short breath, “...turns out that I love you. Seems that makes quite a big difference when considering where you want to spend the rest of your life.”

This time the mute silence appeared to transform, become alive with small sounds that made it seem frantic by comparison. Shepard sighed, then laughed softly, his feet tapped against the floor as he walked to his left, then back to his right. Kaidan could feel his own blood rushing in his ears.

“...well you definitely know how to take the scenic route, don’t you lieutenant,” Shepard said.

“I thought you said no more titles,” Kaidan said, avoiding the statement.

“Yeah, I guess I did,” Shepard nodded; he stood, looking at the table for a full minute before speaking. When he did, it was to say the last thing Kaidan expected, even if afterwards he realised it shouldn’t have been, “I don’t want you to go.”

“...neither do I,” Kaidan replied after he had taken the words in and tried his best to deal with them, “but I don’t think either of us has a choice in that.”

“Story of my life.”

Shepard’s gaze looked into the space between the table and his eyes, seeming to see something there that Kaidan couldn’t.

* * *

 

“Any idea what it is, Liara?”

It had been a long day, as far as Kaidan was concerned, and he wasn’t overly thrilled at the idea of recon. He felt bad that he’d hoped Liara would say something entirely inconsequential, something that would allow him to finish his shift up on the Nav.Comm and then take some downtime. Instead...

“I’m not entirely, one hundred percent certain,” Liara said, her eyes still glued to the holo-display she was typing on, “but I think it’s Prothean. The readouts are very much like those on Therum.”

“Prothean,” Shepard said the word as if he were speaking it to himself, “what can you make from the scans? Could it be another facility?”

“Yes, it might be,” Liara said, “although not as large. It could be an outpost of some sort. That would make sense, what with the Mass Relay nearby. Perhaps they too were interested in the Omega relay and it’s, uh, unique properties.”

“That sounds promising,” Shepard leaned on the back of Joker’s chair, eyes intent on Liara’s readouts, “relics left behind? If we could find information on the relay, it would be pretty damn indispensible.”

“It’s worth a look,” Liara looked excited as she turned to the Commander.

“Then I’ll send a request to the Admiral,” Shepard stood, “I’m sure she’ll be eager for anything we can dredge up.”

“Well this one appears to be surrounded by _grass_ and, y’know, _trees_ ,” Joker spoke up, looking over his shoulder even though he couldn’t see Shepard above him, “no lava, no lethal radiation. Now that’s just dull, Commander. No thrills, no near death experiences. What kind of a date is this?”

“Everyone has to settle down at some point, right Joker?”

The planet in question was a rough diamond in a field of coal. Unlike its sister planets, gas giants both, Reckne was small, lush and hot with the bloom of primordial life. Jagged peaks and low valleys trundled across its surface, making it look like a particularly badly iced cake, sprinkled with ferns, bubbling mud, tall, canopy rich trees and scrub grasses. And, of course, Prothean technology hidden away beneath the undergrowth.

The ride down was smooth and gave an excellent view. Rolling fields of green so lush that it was impossible not to think of taking off your boots and sinking bare feet in. High mountains rose up while they descended, blocking out the sunshine as they landed in one of the many long radial valleys which Liara had believed was created by lava flows from the mostly dormant super-volcano at their centre. Joker had managed to get in one last quip about the smell of red hot sulphur being a bitch to get out of your shirt before the _Normandy_ roared up out of the atmosphere, leaving Kaidan and Shepard to land in silence inside the safe walls of the shuttlecraft.

Kaidan had run the precursory checks from orbit, but thought it safer to double check the breathability and toxicity of the air from ground level. As soon as it checked out Shepard was the first to the door. _Like a damn kid_ , he thought fondly. He couldn’t help but smile, even at the sloshing sound as Shepard jumped from the shuttle out into the dense forest.

“Oh that’s _great_ ,” came Shepard’s voice, unimpressed.

“You alright Comman..?” Kaidan asked, getting up from the pilot’s chair and rushing to the open hatch.

And promptly burst into peals of laughter. Looking back on it later, Kaidan was sure it was mainly nerves. He’d been jumpy before they’d launched, mainly morose hidden beneath a layer of duty on their flight down, and now...now he found himself grabbing onto the turbulence holds in the ceiling as he laughed at Shepard, waist deep in faintly green liquid, holding his hands up and giving his lieutenant a level stare.

“Forget to do a ground density check when we landed, did we?” Shepard said as he waded forwards, putting his MkII back into the shuttle; even the gun sounded pissed as it clanked against the grating.

“I didn’t-I di...” Kaidan shook his head, trying to reign himself in, “oh god, I’m sorry Commander. I really am i-it’s just...”

“Whatever you’re going to say, it won’t help,” Shepard said, mouth a tight line.

“Oh I don’t know,” Kaidan grinned, reaching down to offer Shepard a hand, “might give me a bit more of a laugh.”

Which he should have realised was the wrong thing to say. Or perhaps the right thing. Whichever, Shepard took hold of Kaidan’s hand and yanked, sending him stumbling, free arm flailing for purchase, before he fell shoulder first into the waiting pool. It wasn’t quite as liquid as he’d expected, thick and mildly resinous. Kaidan came up gasping and spluttering, to the sound of Shepard’s mirth.

Let’s just say the ensuing two minutes’ dunk contest wasn’t ever something he’d put in a report. Once they had hauled themselves to the nearest bank and up onto the dry, neither of them had much breath left, whether from holding it or laughing. Kaidan lay on his back, panting, staring up at the occasional glimpse of sky through the thick, dark green leaves above him.

“Oh god,” he managed, “I can’t believe you.”

“You can’t believe _me_?” Shepard said from somewhere to his right.

“You’re my CO,” Kaidan half smiled, half grimaced as he sat up, scrapping a large chunk of _something_ out from between the armour plating at his shoulder; it was bright green and it stank. In a moment of adrenaline fuelled recklessness, aided by his resentment for being plunged in muck, Kaidan flung it at Shepard, hitting the man square in the neck.

“Ugh! Fuck!” Shepard barked on instinct; Kaidan looked at him in shock. He was pretty certain he’d never heard Shepard swear outside of the bedroom. There was a moment’s tense silence. Then, without warning, Shepard scrabbled up and Kaidan couldn’t help but shimmy backwards, trying not to laugh or cry or give in to any of the emotions tugging at him as his Commander bore down.

“No, wait-!” was all he managed before Shepard grabbed his leg, hauling him back, leaning down, armour bumping uncomfortably and mouth’s doing the same. Kaidan only managed a few seconds of the kiss before he frowned, reaching up to push Shepard away.

“What?” Shepard asked, breathing heavy, “No one down here to see you Alenko.”

“Wasn’t why I stopped,” Kaidan said, reaching up to pull away a stalk of limps leaves attached to Shepard’s lip; he smiled as Shepard balked, pawing at his own face, trying to dislodge any further debris, “I just think I’d rather clean up first.”

It didn’t take long, as their under-suits had kept them dry. Kaidan did a short recon with the shuttle’s short range scanners and found them a different landing site, further up the valley and out of the swamp. While he flew he could hear Shepard changing out of his armour, muttering to himself about protoplasm not being something anyone should ever have to deal with being near their crotch.  Which only made Kaidan’s mind short circuit at the fact that Shepard was essentially stripping in his shuttle. Thankfully flying in the thick, soupy atmosphere took some effort, enough to distract him until they reached their new LZ. Kaidan transmitted their new co-ordinates to the _Normandy_ and stood up, fumbling with the release catches on his armour.

“Here, I’ll get that, you get the rest,” Shepard, already out of the torso of his thin, black under-suit which hung loosely about his waist, began flicking the releases with ease; Kaidan managed his gloves and bending his knee while standing, reaching back to undo his boots.

As soon as he was down to almost nothing, Shepard had thrown a wet towel at him, fresh from the med centre at the back of the shuttle.

“You know these are for emergen...” he had intended to say the word all at once, like a normal person, but instead had looked up to find Shepard bending in half to strip the last of his under-suit down his legs, lifting his ankles to flip out completely, “...cies.”

“Depends what you define as an emergency,” Shepard said with a shrug, standing completely naked and utterly unconcerned; Kaidan blinked, thinking, for the brief moment that he was capable of coherent thought, that Shepard looked years younger when he smiled.

They took turns cleaning the last of the primordial fluid from hair and hands and ears. Kaidan had said twice how this really shouldn’t, _couldn’t_ , go any further but Shepard either hadn’t heard or hadn’t cared. When he caught sight of blue eyes, watching his neck with an intensity not decent off of the battlefield, Kaidan had relented. Not only because he was incapable of denying his own desire, but also because the look was one he recognised on his CO.

That subtle desperation. It made Kaidan clam up even as he allowed Shepard to undo the catch at the base of his spine, releasing the auto-zip and letting his under-suit flop open. Skin against skin, flesh inside flesh, shuddering, thrusting. Kaidan panted into the crook of Shepard’s shoulder, ankles crossed at the small of Shepard’s back as the other man sucked tenderly at his throat.

“You know,” Kaidan said afterwards, laughing through his panted breath as they lay cramped together upon the towel, , “my reports must be so...boring. I read over them sometimes and it’s like I realise the things I’ve left out. It’s a little crazy to think what the history books won’t ever know.”

_Like the fact that Kaidan Alenko had fallen for his CO the moment he laid eyes on him. That he was responsible for getting Gunnery Sergeant Ashley Williams, his friend, killed because of it. That the golden boy of the fleet, Malcolm Shepard, was an emotionally damaged and, to an extent, twisted and disturbed individual capable of terrible things, just as much as he was a beautiful, wonderful human being._

But they would know that he’d killed in cold blood. Kaidan licked his lips and hated himself for thinking it when he was so happy, right then, so fucking _happy_. Soon everyone would have an opinion on Malcolm Shepard, but none of them would know the truth.

“Don’t consign us to history just yet,” Shepard said, eyes closed but a distinctly serene look on his face; Kaidan found himself staring until, eventually, Shepard opened his eyes and smiled at him, “you know, I think I can live without them knowing that I was once submerged in primordial fluid that smells like...what does it smell like? Beer?”

“Yeast,” Kaidan said with a strained laugh, “it _does_ smell like yeast. Wait, why the hell did that make you so damn horny?”

“Ah, I always get laid when I’m drunk. Must be a psychological thing.”

“You’re a barrel of wrong sometimes Mal.”

“I know,” Shepard said, “all too well. Come on, we’ve wasted enough time, better get to it before we have to check in.”

“Oh, so I’m a waste of time now, huh?” Kaidan asked, eyebrow raised.

Being pulled close by determined, confident hands and kissed by careful and yet forceful lips never got old. Kaidan held onto the feeling for as long as he could. When he opened his eyes, Mal was smirking, eyes full with mirth and warmth.

“I could never lie and say yes,” Shepard said, eyes crinkling, “Hah! You’ve _still_ got it in your hair. That stuff’s never coming out, is it? And I’m pretty sure somehow this will turn out to be my fault, even though I’m pretty sure it was _you_ ,” Shepard sat up as he said the word, “who landed us here, and, just thinking, might want to double check before you jump out here, no matter what the scanners say...”

Kaidan closed his eyes and listened, just listened, unable to keep the smile from his face.

* * *

_He would hold onto that memory for a long time afterwards, in the times when he would realise that he had no photos of them together, or no photos of the man at all that he could call his own. No proof that they had ever existed together at all, no matter how unconventional, how turbulent and how true their feelings were for each other. All he would have would be the memories, the ones history would never remember._

_But he would._


End file.
